Scheduled

November 13.  I'll be under general anthesia for another D&C to take out residual tissue. Or as it says on my consent form "Products of conception".

I'm feeling better about it after seeing my doctor.  My level should go down quicker after the procedure and then we can start the 6 month countdown.

My levels are still going down so that's a positive.

I will have to take a week off of my Insanity workout after the D&C but that's okay.  I'll start back up the following week. Hopefully because that's all I got right now to keep me going.

Possible D&C AGAIN!

Bullshit. This is bullshit.

I emailed my doctor yesterday morning because I was concerned about the intermittent bleeding I'm having.  It's been 7 weeks post D&C and I'm still bleeding. Very light and occasional cramping.

I got a call from my doctor yesterday afternoon. He's concerned about the bleeding and the delta of my numbers. He wants to do an ultrasound to see if there is still residual tissue. If he finds residual tissue, I'll need to do another D&C. Damn it.

I'm so angry right now. This just pisses me off. 

I know it's what's best for me but if I have to another D&C, I'll need to stop my Insanity workouts.  Plus this might push back our 6 months wait before trying again.

As I write this, I am hoping that one day I'll be able to look back on this post when all of this is behind me. Right now it feels that that day will never come.

Levels and Insanity

There's really nothing much going on with me. My levels have been going down. I've been updating my TTC History page with the numbers.  It's been going down very slowly and just grueling.  It's taking so long to get to zero.  Good thing I'm not afraid of needles because I have to keep getting these blood tests until it hits 2 or 0.

I'm on Day 10 of my Insanity workout.  It's hard but I kinda love it.  I can't do all the reps and I do take breaks but I do feel stronger each day. It gives me a goal to work towards and helps me keep my mind off the wait.  I haven't yet seen any results besides the couple pounds I've lost which is probably water weight so we'll see in a month.

The workout also comes with this nutrition book.  I found it pretty interesting. It's not a diet but basically eating "clean". Nothing processed.  I have to eat ~300 calories 5 times a day.  In the beginning it was hard because I wasn't able to eat that much so often. I had to force myself and I've noticed that by doing so I was able to last longer during the workout. I wasn't as shaky.

I've been trying to think of good things to look forward to. I still wake up every morning with that emptiness.  The memories of what we've been through still go through my mind. The 2 positive lines, the miscarriage and the partial molar pregnancy.  I dread going back to the infertility clinic, the appointments and the waiting. I wonder if we will be able to get pregnant on our own within 3 months of trying. These are just some of the stuff that I still think about. I don't think it will ever go away.  Until then I will work on me and my insanity.

Gossip

When I was pregnant, I told a few people at work.  I told my boss and some of my co-workers that I was close with. Of course when I went through my miscarriage they also knew.  Well today, one of my co-worker who I shared my news with just told me that 2 others at work (both women) asked if I was pregnant.  He told them he didn't know. 

I'm not surprised of their suspicions. I was pregnant and because it was a Partial Molar Pregnancy my belly was bigger than normal. My HCG level was so high that my forehead was full of acne and I looked sick.  I was nauseous all day.  I can see why they think I'm pregnant.

Today the acne is slowly disappearing. I have more color in my face and more energy.  My belly is not as pronounced as it was but I still have a pooch.  They might very well think I'm in my second trimester and the reason why I'm looking a little better.

I'm not sure how to handle this you guys.  I am not close enough with these women to tell them what happened but every time I bump into them I will know what they are thinking. Do I need to bring some tequila to work and take a shot of it in front of them? Ok I'm exaggerating but how do you come out and say, "No, I'm not pregnant." 

Or is the solution to just be okay with what ever they are thinking. They will know soon enough when six months pass by and my belly isn't growing.

I guess I better start my Insanity workout soon.

Glimpses

Mid morning I could feel a migraine coming on so I reached in my purse for my pill box hoping to find some aspirin but instead it was filled with prenatal vitamins. I remembered that I had taken out all the drugs that I couldn't take anymore when I was pregnant so I wouldn't take them by accident. I guess I had forgotten to take them out after the miscarriage.

Yesterday after work, I went into the cupboard to get a snack and found the pretzels I bought to ease the nausea. And just a few moments ago, I found 2 pieces of ginger candy.

Every now I then I get these little reminders that we were pregnant. Seeing them right after the miscarriage brought anger and pain but now it reminds me of how happy we were in those 6 weeks.  I want that and I want it to be more than just 6 weeks. I want it for a lifetime.


There was a post out there on how to "clean up" after a miscarriage.  I've been searching for it and can't for the life of me remember who wrote. If any of you know please send me the link. I may have more cleaning up to do.

Going Down

Slowly but surely my levels are going down.


HCG:

• 9/24: 3506.7
• 9/17: 7735.2
• 9/10: 15376.9

I was thinking yesterday I want a push present.  Don't you think that going through a pregnancy loss deserves one? I sure do.  I know it's a temporary fix but it will make me happy to buy something nice for myself. I'm thinking maybe a new bag. Any ideas?

Almost Stealing My Thunder

If there's one thing I've learned about infertility, it's the back and forth of good days and bad days.

In these 3 years, 4 couples in our group of friends have gotten pregnant and had healthy beautiful babies. There's just 3 couples, we are one of them, who are married and childless.  We just found out that the 3 is now 2.

Here's the kicker. Their baby is due in late March. Although I know that our pregnancy wasn't viable, it still  hurts that at one point in our pregnancy, March 2013 was the month everything would have changed for us.

We could have experienced being pregnant together and our babies being the same age. Blah blah blah. You guys know what I mean right?

As the conversation continued following their great news, the spotlight turned to us. And its the same old questions. "So when are you guys going to have a baby?" "Are you guys trying?" "Now it's your guys turn." I even got the, "Are you tracking your cycles?" She even started telling me about how not every one's cycle is the same so I should start tracking my cycles.  Little did she know that I took that class.  I'm currently in the grad course level - Infertility with a Pregnancy Loss 601.

Please know that I am not angry at her. This is just a part of me grieving and dealing with their pregnancy news.  I am happy for them and am excited to meet their son.  On the bright side, his birth will hopefully also be the end of these 6 months and the beginning of us trying again.

Oh and by the way, they would have stolen our thunder anyway if our pregnancy had been viable. And I sure hate to have someone stealing my thunder!

xoxo

Get Low. Get Low.

It's looking good guys. 

HCG:

• 9/17: 7735.2
• 9/10: 15376.9

Taking it a week at a time.  This morning I treated myself to a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. Have you guys tried it yet? It's so yummy!

Getting Me Back

I feel good. After everything, I've realized that this past pregnancy was not meant to be.  There was nothing we could have done to save it. It was doomed from the beginning. I like to joke that hubby's little guys were so excited to find the egg that 2 of them made it in.

I am glad to have my body back.  My HCG levels during the pregnancy were higher than normal and the reason why I was so sick. I still feel a little queasy but not as sick like during pregnancy.  I was nauseous ALL day.  It's nice to enjoy food again.  It's also nice to be able to climb stairs and not feel like I just ran 3 miles.  Oh and the best part is being able to start my Proactive treatment to get rid of the damn acne that has covered my whole forehead.

I am still hopeful and I am more than willing to go through these symptoms for a healthy pregnancy.

In the meantime, I am going to work on getting me back.  I have a follow up appointment with my doctor next week Monday and am hoping that he'll ok me to go back to normal activities. I am planning to start running again and am also thinking of trying Insanity. I've been thinking about it while we were doing our IUI's and had planned to get it after having a baby.  Since we're benched for 6 months this is a good time. Let me know if any of you have tried it before or if you think I'm insane for even trying it.

I had some hot sake last night at a Japanese BBQ restaurant.  It was soooooo good!  I didn't have a lot but just enough for the taste.  If any of you are planning to visit Oahu, I highly recommend this place.

Lastly, I cannot thank you enough for your support and kind words.  It saddens me that we have to meet because of infertility but at the same time I am so grateful that it is the reason that we have each other.

Partial Molar Pregnancy

As if a miscarriage wasn't enough.  Pathology results showed that I had a Partial Molar Pregnancy.

I will have to take blood tests weekly to check that my HCG levels are going down. Once it reaches 0, then I test monthly for 6 months. Hoping that it stays at 0.

6 months and we can start trying again. 6 months should have been our c-section date.

After talking with my doctor and reading up on Partial Molar Pregnancy, I had the symptoms.  My belly was bigger than normal. I thought it was just because of my pooch. At my first ultrasound, my RE mentioned that my uterus was larger than normal. I would wake up in the middle of the night and early morning with a rapid heart rate. I figured it was due to my nausea which was also another sign. I had severe nausea but no vomiting.  Then again, the nausea is also one of the normal pregnancy symptoms however it felt like my pregnancy was progressing at higher than normal rate.

I am trying to just take things one day at a time and focusing on getting my HCG down to 0 and keep it at 0.

My baseline HCG result taken yesterday: 15,376.9

D&C Experience

I am overwhelmed by all the support everyone has given me. Thank you for all your love.  I honestly don't know how women go through this without this community.  I am truly thankful.

My D&C is the most physically painful experience I've had to endure in my 35 years.  Remember that myomectomy I had, that was a piece of cake compared to this.  I should have asked to go under with general anesthesia. Instead I was awake, with 2 Vicodin in my system and my cervix injected with Lidocaine.  Never again.

My doctor was a rock star. He talked me through the procedure and even counted backwards to let me know when he was done with each step. I don't remember how long it took.  Hubby said it was about 15 minutes. I was just glad for it to be over.

Sometime last week, I dug my head out of the sand needing to hear some good news.  Instead, my heart just ached even more as I read of Sometimes results.  This was not fair. What's the statistic for miscarriage? 1 in 4. 1 in 5.  That one was me.   She was supposed to be on the other side of that. I was immediately filled with anger.

Labor day weekend has been the worst weekend by far.  I don't know if I will ever be able to look at Labor day in another light.

Still waiting for pathology results. No karyotyping and I'm ok with that.

I am back at work today. It's good. It's like I'm ripping of the band aid. I'm getting back to my normal routine. Normal routine = Life with Infertility.

No heartbeat. Back in line.

We had our second ultrasound yesterday and there was no heartbeat. The baby measured 8 Weeks 5 Days. We are supposed to be 9 Weeks 2 Days.

We are beyond devastated. I'm not even sure how I will get through writing this but I have to. I need to get this all out.

I knew it was over as soon as I saw our baby. There was no flickering. The image was still. I was in shock and I think I was telling my doctor, "Don't say that."

I went into this appointment confident that we were going to see a heartbeat. I had no spotting, my boobs are still sore and the nausea was still in full force.  My body gave me no indication that the baby had died.

I didn't cry at the RE's office. I couldn't until I walked out the door.

Because I had Kaiser, I was sent back to my OB to decide on our next steps.  My RE had explained I had three options: Pass the baby naturally, take Misoprostol or have a D&C.

After we left the clinic, I called my OB and saw him in the afternoon.  He gave me the same options.  At first we decided to do the Misoprostol but as we were driving home, I got scared.  I was afraid that my body wouldn't be able to pass a 8 Week 5 Day old embryo and I would have to rush to the emergency room for a emergency D&C. So I called my OB and scheduled a D&C on Tuesday.

My body gave me no reprieve the rest of the day. The nausea was a constant reminder that I had a dead baby inside of me.

This morning at 6:56 am HST, I woke up without the nausea. I don't know if it's because the level of hormones is starting to taper off or if it's because I told my body to stop this bullshit.

I am trying to see the bright side of things.  We were able to get pregnant. I can have sushi and wine again.  I will be able to start running again. And the nausea will be gone.

After the D&C, we will start treatment again in three months, per our RE.

I apologize if this is all over the place but that is where I am.... all over the place.

So here I go, back in line. Waiting for my turn.

1st Ultrasound

One beautiful heartbeat at 118BPM. Measuring at 7 weeks 0 days which is ahead of what they say I am, 6 weeks 5 days.  I can't put in to words how we felt when we heard our baby's heartbeat. Truly a blessing.

As far as symptoms go, I am sick all day.  From the very moment I wake till I go to sleep, I'm constantly nauseous.  I haven't vomited yet. My boobs are still sore and I'm tired all the time. My forehead is full of acne.  As horrible as I feel, I am thankful and wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.

Next ultrasound in 2 weeks.

Obsessive Behavior

Thank you all the congratulations. Please know that as much as I wanted to share this with all of you it came with great heart ache knowing that reading this for some of you is not easy. I will always be praying for all of you no matter where you are in this journey.

As for my obsessive behavior, let's list them shall we?

• always checking my pantyliner
• constantly feeling my breasts
• googling every little thing to make sure that whatever I'm eating or putting on my face is safe for baby

The only symptoms I've been experiencing so far are breast tenderness soreness (they really hurt) and headaches. I've also been a little tired but I think that's normal. Sleeping always makes me happy.

We're are getting anxious about our 1st ultrasound. I'm trying to enjoy being pregnant and not think about what can happen. It's just hard not to. I don't think I'll ever not feel this way until I have this baby in my arms.

My Turn

I was ready. Ready to start my injectable cycle. On the evening of 10 DPO I tested using the many cheap OPK tests I purchased online. I figured since I had so much and we wouldn't be using them anymore that if for some reason it turned positive I would use my very last cheap HCG test. It was negative. There was a line but not as dark as the control line. I expected to be spotting soon. Maybe in the morning.  My luteal phase are between 9-11 days and I always have spotting before full flow.

In the morning, no spotting so I tested again with another OPK and it was positive. What? So I busted out my very last cheap HCG test, brushed my teeth and checked the test. There was a second line.  I honestly didn't know what to do. I called out to hubby, walked to the kitchen, grabbed his hand and led him to the bathroom. I showed him the tests and asked him how many lines did he see. He said, "4 but what does that mean?" I said I wasn't sure but I think we need to go to the store and pick up a "real" test. I picked up 2 boxes of First Response tests. One of course was digital. We didn't need to be more confused.

I was shaking so bad that I could barely open the package. Hubby had to help me read the instructions. We waited 3 minutes, hugged each other and said that we would be okay. In all caps, the test read, "YES+".   We were still in shock. Happy, shocked and surprised. I said we should test again using the regular First Response test. As I was opening it up, I told hubby that this test has never been positive for me. I've only purchased this once before in the beginning when we first started trying to conceive and realized quickly that we would be in debt if I continued buying this test. The second line showed up immediately. We were pregnant.

The top left corner is the cup I used to test.

I called my RE immediately and got a 9:45am appt. Took a urine test (good thing I drank more water before we left the house) and my doctor came in and said "You're pregnant!".  He called for a blood test that day and the following day.

Beta #1 = 57
Beta #2 = 407

We haven't told anyone yet. You guys are the first to know. We don't plan to tell anyone until we reach our 2nd trimester. I do plan to tell my mom because she knows what we've been going through. Hubby isn't planning on telling his parents until after our 1st ultrasound.

We are still in shock.  We also know that anything can happen and we're not out of the woods yet. We have been praying every morning since we found out and thanking God for blessing us with this pregnancy.  Thank you for all your support. I hope that you will stay with me as we continue on this journey. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank You and Meds

Thank you to my lovely bloggy friends who made me feel so much better.  I love you guys. You guys are the best.  I wish we all lived in the same area so we could just hang out and just talk story.


I wanted to give you an update on how I'm doing on DHEA. Today is day 12 on DHEA.  I haven't felt any side effects. AF should arrive by the end of this week and the start of my injectable cycle will begin.  I picked up my meds this past Saturday (see picture below). It was a bit overwhelming especially since my clinic don't provide bags to hold your meds.  This is fine when you're picking up just a bottle or two of meds but this time a recyclable Whole Foods bag would have been great.  Luckily hubby came with me. He held the 4 boxes Bravelle and syringes while I held the sharps container, Novarel, and more syringes.


I'm a little excited to start an injectable cycle and interested to see if DHEA will have an effect. 

Sorry if it's blurry. I took this early this morning.

One of Those Days

I was having one of those days yesterday.

Thinking about how this whole journey has changed me.

I can no longer sit in a restaurant without hearing every cry of a baby or child.

I am jealous of all my friends and co-worker’s posts on Facebook of their children enjoying a day at the beach.
This feeling of jealousy is killing me. I feel like I’m becoming a bitter person.

When I look at my calendar, I see questions.  I cannot think of the future without wondering if hubby and I will have a family.

I can no longer stand watching Disney commercials or any commercials involving babies or children.

The first thing I wonder when meeting someone is whether they have children.

Yesterday was not a good day.

Change of Plans

I spoke to soon.  I will not be going through with IVF this cycle.  We will be doing a natural cycle followed by an injectable cycle.  My RE is putting me on DHEA hoping that if these next two cycles is a bust that it will help with egg production when we go through IVF.  I've been on it since last week Friday and so far so good.  I feel like I have more energy but I'm still not sure if that's from the DHEA.  I've read the studies online regarding DHEA and it seems promising. I'll let you guys know if it helps with the amount of eggs I produce. According to my recent ultrasounds, I am most likely to produce 6 follicles. Which means that at the most 6 eggs. Not too good for someone my age according to my RE. 

Please let me know if you any of you have been on DHEA or heard of anyone who was on it. 

Moving On

I started spotting today so I know that CD 1 will be tomorrow.  I will be calling the clinic first thing tomorrow to make my appointment to move on to IVF.

My thoughts about this is all over the place.  I'm excited to be moving on to the next step of this journey but at the same time I am worried that it won't work.  I need to stop thinking this way. Each cycle I always plan to do something fun in case the cycle fails.  For example, I planned a pau hana for this Friday because I knew that if my cycle fails well at least I'll be having drinks with some great friends.  Pau hana is a Hawaiian term meaning "finish work" and is used when referring to going out for drinks right after work. I love pau hana's.

I feel like set myself up for failure every cycle by planning these things.What am I doing?! I will NOT do this, this time. Nope. I will set myself up for success and if it fails then I will grieve, be upset, angry and feel what ever comes with a failed IVF cycle.

IVF here we come!

Nothing

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't written in a while. There's just not much going on. I'm currently in my TWW from my last medicated IUI#3 with my RE. 

We'll be moving on to IVF, if this next cycle fails.

I'm just tired. Tired of being infertile. Tired of the unknown. That's basically it.

What To Do

As I am nearing the end of this cycle and feeling that it didn't work (AF is expected to show this Saturday). I'm getting impatient.  I spoke to the hubby early this morning while we both were brushing our teeth about if we should move on to IVF this next cycle. My RE recommends we do 3 rounds of this IUI + Clomid and monitoring but ultimately said we were in the driver's seat. This would be our second cycle so we can either do another IUI or go straight to IVF.

Hubby wants us to do another round of IUI because he's concerned about the toll IVF will take on my body.  I think he just wants to have another chance before moving on. I know how he feels but at the same time I'm losing hope with this whole IUI process. All I'm seeing is another month of taking time off of work, trying to find parking in the Parking Lot From Hell and another ride on this emotional roller coaster.  I know I'll have to do this too when we go through IVF but I feel that IVF is a step forward. Right now, we are in the same spot in line as we've been these past 7 months. Wow. 7 months. I didn't even know it's been that long.

I will wait one more month. I will give my body another chance. For me and for hubby.

Note to Self

Dear Me,

Stop jumping at every little twinge you're feeling in your uterus. It's not implantation because you had it last cycle and last cycle was a BFN. Remember?!  Oh and those crazy dreams you're having? Yeah that is from the HCG trigger. It's that shot that made your butt hurt for days.  I know that you sometimes think that your increase in appetite could be a symptom but honey you are always hungry before you get your period. It's called PMS. 

Anyway, I just want to make this 2WW a little less crazy for you since you are always wondering about these things around this time.  Try to keep yourself busy so you can stop obsessing.  Maybe open that lovely sewing machine your friend gave you. Hey maybe you can hem those lovely J Crew jeans you just got but can't wear since it's too long. I also want to mention the other projects you started but haven't finished around the house. Maybe you can finish those too.

I know it's hard but you'll get through this. And if it makes it any better, there's a bottle of wine that misses you very much and is waiting for you next week when you get your BFN.

Love you lots,
You

IUI #6 and Mascara

Just a quick post on my current cycle.  This is IUI #6. Second IUI with RE. Doctor wanted to see me earlier on CD 9 instead of CD 12. Which was a good thing because I had a follicle measuring 21 on the right that was ready to pop. I also had another one measuring 14 on the left. I was given a Menopur shot to give the 14 a little boost and also Climara patches to thicken my lining. It was at 6. I had an IUI on CD 10 and CD 12. So here I am again in another 2WW.

On a different subject, I wanted to talk to you guys about mascara. Being on prenatal vitamins since late 2009, my eyelashes are at a decent length. They're not super long but they are long enough that when I smile they touch the bottom part of my eye. I end up looking like a raccoon. Very sexy. Ok, so I know you guys are probably asking if I use waterproof mascara. I don't and that may very well be the solution but the reason I haven't been using the waterproof kind is because it takes longer to take off. When I get home I like to get into comfy clothes and take all my makeup off.  I don't wear a lot of makeup either. I just wear tinted moisturizer, neutral eyeshadow, mascara and blush. I absolutely love the Dior Blackout and am currently using the L'Oreal - Voluminous in Carbon Black.  I've also noticed that some mascara's transfer easily to my skin while others don't. The L'Oreal does. Anyway, let me know if you guys have this problem and even if you don't what's your favorite mascara.

Once A Year

As I am anxiously waiting for full flow (I started spotting today), I cannot wait to get this next cycle started.   My cycle always starts with hope, then doubt, maybe a few more rounds of hope and doubt, then sadness and acceptance.  In the end, I am impatient and wanting to have another chance.  Can you imagine if we were only fertile once a year like the giant panda? Once a year for only 2-3 days? I honestly cannot imagine how life would be for an infertile.

I'm not sure how many more rounds of IUI and Clomid my RE has planned.  If this next cycle fails, then we may move on to IVF.  I am ready.

This was supposed to be my post for Purple in the March Photo Challenge.  It was too beautiful not to post. This was just before we had that crazy weather.

Update

Hey everyone. Sorry I've been MIA for a while. Things just got crazy at work and at home.  I've also just been in a funk. Just one of those days weeks. My apologies to Belle for failing in her March Photo Challenge.

So here's a update on my SIS (Saline Infusion Sonogram).  It was less uncomfortable than an HSG. Results show no growth in the uterine cavity and then she measured my follicles. She gave me a prescription for Clomid and I was to come back on CD 12 for another ultrasound. This was my first cycle with my RE. The monitoring is new for me and very exciting.  I've never seen my ovaries and uterus so closely. I've seen it in MRI images before but not LIVE.  At first it was just gray and white images but my RE explained what we were looking at.  I can't begin to explain how great it is to be at a fertility clinic.  It's just awesome.

CD 12 ultrasound showed 3 follicles. I didn't get the sizes of them but when she first looked at them she made a comment. She said, "This is on 50 mg?! Wow, things are cooking in here." I took that as a good sign. I was to come back the next day for an IUI and HCG trigger then another IUI the following day. I took a pregnancy test after the HCG trigger just to see what a positive test looked like.  That second line showed up very quickly and it was dark. There was no doubt that there was HCG in my body. At that second, I thought about how it would feel if this was a true test.

Today is 12 DPIUI and BFN.  The test was stark white. No spotting yet but I'm guessing that my period will be here in the next couple days like it did the last time I was on Clomid.

Quick Post

Hey guys! Just wanted to make a quick post to let you know that we've been having very bad weather here on Oahu.  I'm talking water spouts that made their way to land and became a tornado. We also got hail.  I know right?! So I'll be back to catch up on my March Photo Challenge and update you guys. Until then take care.

March Photo Challenge - Day 5

Prompt: Commute

Early morning moon on my way to work.

SIS

Just got back from my ultrasound appt with my RE.  There are two doctors in my clinic. The first is Dr. A who I met with at my IVF consult and today I met Dr. N.  Really nice man. I feel very lucky to have these two doctors who I feel really care about their patients. With that said, my ultrasound didn't go very well.  Dr. N said that the amount of follicles he sees for someone my age 34 (almost 35) is not very good so he thinks he needs to be aggressive with my treatment. Second, my lining is too thick.  He said it could be because I'm menstruating but he thinks it could be either a growth or a polyp. He put me on birth control and I go back next week Wednesday for a Saline Infusion Sonogram (SIS).  Just when I thought I was on my way, I hit a road block. 

I didn't cry. I didn't cry even when I spoke to hubs. I don't know why.  Maybe I was happy there were no fibroids. I don't know. I just started thinking of my next steps.  If it is what he thinks he is then I go back to my OB to get rid of what ever it is.  And we begin again at step 1.

If any of you ever experienced this please let me know.  I honestly am not sure what to make of this except wait till next week and take my birth control.

March Photo Challenge: Day 4

Prompt: Illuminate

I shot this while waiting for hubs to pick up dinner.  It was a sign in so many ways.

March Photo Challenge: Day 3

Prompt: Domestic

I was shopping at the mall and passed by MAC's Shop and Cook Collection.  I came upon this and new that this would be my Domestic shot. Surprisingly this was all I took away from that event. I didn't buy a single thing.  I am a sucker for MAC eye shadows but I figured I'd rather buy Clomid instead. Ha! The glamorous life of infertility.

Cycle Update:  I got my insurance approval in the mail on Friday! Yay! So I called my RE on Saturday and I have an ultrasound appointment Monday morning. AF arrived today in full force. Perfect timing. 

March Photo Challenge: Day 1 & 2

Day 1 Prompt: Self Portrait

A shadow? That's your self portrait? I know. I'm sorry.  Blogging anonymously to protect the innocent. I live on an island and everyone knows everyone's mama so I have to be on the down low.  Anyway, this is me after work in my yard using the 5pm sun to create a self portrait.

Day 2 Prompt: Feet

My feet at 8am in the morning. Yes I'm still in my pajamas.  Feeling down this morning. I started spotting this morning so AF will be here later today or tomorrow.  I may be dressed like this the whole day or change and go shopping. 

My Secret Stash

When I knew I had to have a myomectomy I started buying dresses.  I was told that it would be uncomfortable to wear pants since my belly would be swollen. It was a hopeful time.  I had thought that this surgery would cure my infertility and I would be pregnant in no time and those dresses would come in handy. Little did I know that those dresses would be the only thing I could wear because the surgery did not cure my infertility and I gained so much weight that I could no longer fit into my work pants or jeans.

When I was given the okay to exercise again, I didn't because although there was no proven fact that running would hurt conception, I didn't want to chance it. And so I continued to buy dresses and flowy tops because I refused to spend money on bigger pants.  I kept justifying these purchases on the hope that I would be pregnant soon. When that didn't happen I started to realize that some of these dresses and tops just made me look pregnant and that if I wore them people would start asking if I was expecting.  So I started a putting them in a drawer. It became my Secret Stash of tops and dresses that I would wear when I am pregnant.

It feels kind of dirty. I'm hiding away clothes.  My husband doesn't know about this drawer. I could put these clothes in my drawer with the rest of my clothes that I do wear but I don't. They have their own drawer and it's an exclusive club.  Only future pregnancy clothes can go in there. I don't intentionally buy these clothes. They're not from the maternity section. I just wanted to find tops that were loose enough to hide my muffin top and dresses that I could wear to work. They just didn't look right when I got home and were too cute to return.

So there, I confessed. I have a Secret Stash. Anyone else willing to come clean?

Ignorance and Distraction

First, congratulations to my bloggy friends Katie and Izzy for their BFPs! I'm very happy and excited that they are one step closer to having a baby in their arms. It gives me hope.

As for real life, well I decided that I don't want to know.  I would like to be in the dark when someone I know knows of someone they know who are trying to get pregnant.  I would rather live in ignorance.  I don't want to be left in the dust when these other women who are just acquaintances are pregnant before I am.  It hurts enough when my friends lap me. It's like adding salt to the wound. I know that they are just sharing great news and it is my fault for telling them 2 years ago that we were trying. All I can do is acknowledge and deflect. That how I've been handling it.


Current cycle: Possibly around 7DPO. AF should be arriving this weekend. I've been continuing to run on this TWW. It's been helpful in clearing my mind. And since I am waiting for a call from my RE letting me know that my insurance has given the approval to continue I am joining Belle with her March Photo Challenge. I'm very excited and would love for you guys to join in too.

IVF Consult - More Waiting

The consult went very well.  The RE, let's call her Dr. A is everything I had hoped for an RE. She took her time, explained everything, very thorough and answered all my questions. She was straight forward and overall a nice doctor to have.  She explained hormones, IUI, injectable cycles and IVF. It was very informative. 

The result is that she doesn't recommend IVF right now.  She recommends we do a monitored cycle of IUI with Clomid. Based on my medical history and hubby's she feels that this would be the best thing to do. I have always felt that my OB didn't do enough. I was never monitored and my first 3 cycles were unmedicated (natural - a new term I learned today).  I'm okay with her recommendation. What I am not okay about is that I will again be waiting.  She has to get back to my regular clinic/insurance with her findings and get approval to continue with this next step which may take 2 weeks. More waiting. The title of this blog couldn't have been more appropriate. One more thing, if we did IVF our out of pocket expense would be $4,500. 

Oh and I also have a UTI. I woke up at 2:47 AM with a very familiar burning sensation and urgency to pee. Since I have recurring UTIs,  my doctor prescribes an extra bottle of antibiotics for me to have at home so I can take it on onset. He still requires me to call him so he can diagnose me properly just to make sure that it's not a kidney infection. He called right after I got out of my IVF consult. Good timing. I guess some things do work out. 

As for where I am in my cycle. I actually don't really know.  I could be between 3-4 DPO. Since I will be in another waiting period I will continue to enjoy running and wine.

Before I end this post, I wanted to ask you guys about your thoughts on my IVF consult. I would totally appreciate if you guys had any thoughts or maybe if there is some thing that I didn't take into consideration. Please let me know what you think.

Hi!

 Welcome ICLW'ers!

I started this blog because I needed an out. An out from the monthly disappointments of not being pregnant.  I don't have any real life friends who are going through infertility.  They are all fine and dandy with getting pregnant within months of trying.  This blog has been a blessing.  It has given me a bond with amazing ladies who understand this roller coaster ride of infertility. They are forgiving and funny. And they give me hope when I feel I don't have any left in me.


This Thursday is my first IVF consult with an RE. I am excited and hopeful. We have done 4 IUIs, 1 with Clomid with my regular OB/GYN. All unsuccessful so we are moving on to IVF. This month while we wait, I have rekindled my relationship with running. Endorphins, how I missed you so.  I've been eating healthier and although I haven't weighed myself yet I am already reaping the benefits. I have more energy.  I just feel better.


I am still infertile so of course we are still trying but with less pressure.  No temping and less OPK testing. I know I said I would give up the OPK but I just couldn't. I haven't been good about it though because I've been testing periodically so I'm not really sure where I am in this cycle. And just like before we started IUI, I am hoping that this is the "BFP before IVF" cycle but if it's not it's ok. I'll be ok because we have a plan. I hope you'll join me as this plan unfolds because things always go according to plan right? Right.

Thoughts

My appointment with the RE is next week Thursday. I'm excited, scared and anxious all at the same time. There are no guarantees and with so many success stories come just as many unsuccessful stories.  I don't know where these next steps will lead us. I can only pray that it will lead to a healthy pregnancy and baby.  I know thinking bad thoughts will not get me anywhere but I can't help but have them. Until then, I started running again.  It helps slow my mind down and I'm also hoping it will help me lose some of these 10 lbs that I've gained since the myomectomy. 10 lbs! Baby steps I guess. Literally.

It's On Like Donkey Kong

I got the call you guys! I am approved to go see an RE. The RE clinic should receive the faxed approval by today so I was told to call the clinic tomorrow and make an appointment.  Woo hoo! I am excited and hopeful again. The ups and downs of infertility.  Hanging on to the up as long as I can because if there's one thing for sure, it's the downs.

I'm Good

My evening last night as follows.  Got home from work. Still no call from the clinic. AF is absent. Took a pregnancy test. BFN. As expected. Had a glass of wine, beef jerky and some Lay's Sour Cream and Onion chips for dinner.  I'm good. 

I've thought about it and made a decision that we will take a month off from IUI and Clomid while we wait for the referral. It might be good for us. We'll still try but just without the OPK and temping.  I'm a control freak so I like to know what's going on and I also believe in science and doing what I can so it's going to be hard not using the OPK and following up with temping BUT I have to. I have to.  I know that the referral will go through. I know we will see the RE. It's just a matter of when.  

Thank you ladies for knowing just what to say. I know there will be tougher days ahead but knowing you are there truly helps.

Update: AF still hasn't reared her ugly head. It's 12 DPIUI, 13 DPO and this is the longest I've gone without spotting or AF showing.  My temperature is still low and I did take a pregnancy test this morning. Of course it's negative. Do you think the Clomid messed me up?

Hate

Hate is a strong word to me. I always use caution when using this word. I don't use it unless it's what I really feel because once it's said I can't take it back. Well, I hate infertility.

I'm so tired of this. My temp went down this morning so AF should be arriving today or tomorrow and I'm still waiting for our referral to go through. I called the clinic this morning and am waiting for a call back. More waiting. I hate this.  I hate to have to wait another cycle. I need to know what our next steps are. I need to have a plan so I won't feel so sad and upset that my first medicated cycle failed. It just makes me want to quit. It gets harder and harder.  The BFN hurts more each time. I honestly don't know how many more of these I can take. My emotions are all over the place and I hate that.  I felt like I had no control over my emotions this cycle. I hate that I take it out on my husband.  I hate wondering what went wrong or what could be wrong or why it didn't work. I hate that we will probably hear more pregnancy news from our friends and I can't be happy for them because I am too sad and jealous that it's not us.

I will probably feel better once I know about the referral.  I will probably have hope again for this upcoming cycle once it's underway.

Thank you for listening and letting me rant.  I just needed to get it all out.

Gender Selection. Really?

Have you guys seen Sherri Shephard's Resolve video? She mentioned that they were able to tell the gender of the embryos before they transferred them. Of course I went to Dr. Google and found a FAQ from Belgium that they will only do this if there are valid medical reasons. Very interesting. Personally, I just want to have a healthy baby. I have yet to see 2 lines on that damn pregnancy test.

6DPIUI. Feeling very slight cramps every now and then. No different than other cycles but Miss Hope is still with me. I pray that this will be the cycle. As much as I am excited to be moving on to an RE and possible IVF, I am still wishing that we won't need to.  The clinic called yesterday and need *hubby to sign a medical release form. I'm hoping that this is the last thing we need to do. Oh and today I go in to do my Day 21 progesterone test. Third blood draw this month. Human pin cushion, that's how I roll!

* I need to find a better name for this man of mine. Hubby or DH is not doing it for me.

4

It all started Tuesday afternoon when I got home from work and got a positive OPK. I called the clinic yesterday morning and scheduled IUI #4.  I got a tentative appt at 11am and hubby's drop off time at 9am.  Tentative because my clinic needed to check with the lab to make sure no one else was dropping of their junk around the same time. I know. I don't understand either. This is why I can't wait to be referred to an fertility clinic. Anyway, I never got that call so we assumed everything was good to go and it was.

I checked in 10 minutes before my appointment and was seen at 11am. Assumed the normal position and OUCH. This is my 4th IUI and it never hurt this bad. I must have jerked a little because the doctor asked me if I was okay. I told him yes but that it was a little uncomfortable. I was trying to be a big girl you guys. It was like something really sharp jabbed me. Guess what he said. "Well this one's going to work. I made sure it's way up there." Um okay, well if this one's going to work then yeah go crazy doc. I really didn't say that but that's what I was thinking.  I also remembered that my first HSG didn't hurt and the results were that both of my tubes were blocked. My second HSG after my myomectomy hurt and showed that both tubes were clear so in my book pain is good. Thank goodness I have a high tolerance for pain. Infertility is not for the weak.

So here goes TWW for IUI #4.

Itchy Feet

I am so very thankful for all of you. Your comments give me hope and I am glad to have found this wonderful community. With that said I would like to talk about a saying we use in Hawaii called Itchy Feet. It's when you have that yearning to travel.  Have you heard of this saying?

With Izzy on her way to Europe and Belle who just bought her ticket to Vegas, I want to leave this rock and explore. Have you ever done a home exchange? If you haven't heard of this before it's when you stay in someone's home and they stay in yours. It's an alternative to staying at a hotel. If you have, I would love to hear about it. I haven't done one myself but I've thought about it. It just weirds me out a little thinking that someone will be sleeping on our bed and vice versa.  Anyway, let me know your thoughts on this.

As for places we should go. I would love to visit Spain, Ireland or Australia. If were to stay in the country, I have yet to visit San Francisco and Napa Valley. My feet are getting so itchy just writing this. We would still need to pick a date though and since we're not sure when we'll be starting IVF I don't know if I can set a date right now. I guess we could pick a date farther in the future, say October.  I would definitely need a vacation if we're not pregnant by then. I'm hoping we will be. Hope is so fickle.

Update on my cycle. CD 14. I'm still waiting for a positive OPK. I'm getting twinges and slight cramping. I also feel a little bloated. Also, I'm still waiting on the referral approval. I hope to get word before the end of this cycle. I would hate to wait for another cycle to see the RE.

News

I just found out that my sister in law is pregnant. I am trying my best to compose myself while writing this post because I have a training I need to conduct a half hour from now and I would hate to have to explain the red puffy eyes.

We got the news yesterday and I lost it. I started crying. Ugly crying. This was harder than I thought it would be. It wasn't a surprise since I knew it would happen one day. They were married before we were and it's hubby's older brother. It's not that I'm not happy for them because I am and I know you guys understand. It just another reminder that we're not pregnant and it upsets me that we're infertile.

This will be the first grandchild on hubby's side of the family so I'm sure it will be the talk of our family dinners. My only reprieve is that they live in another state. For now that's a good thing. When the baby comes I'm sure I will wish that they were closer.

I'm sure there will be more news like this with our friends. There are two couples that don't have children yet.  They were married a year before us so I'm sure it's just a matter of time. I can only hope that I will be pregnant or at least in a different state of being where I can really be happy for them and not jealous.

As for me, it's CD 12 and I'm just peeing on my OPK waiting for it be positive.

View from the Window

As I am washing my *dishes in the kitchen at work I look out the window and see a young woman walking down the street.  She's dressed very stylish as if she was walking down the Champs Élysées. At first I wondered if she had children. Then I thought about Paris. Wouldn't it be great to just up and leave. I let my mind go there.  To that place where we would be living a child free life. My heart aches just thinking about it at first but after realizing what we could do, it doesn't seem all that bad. We're not there yet but one can't help but think of the what if.

I know I've just started this journey but I always like to have something to look forward to. Something to be happy about after getting that BFN.  It softens the blow.  I would tell myself, it's ok at least now you can enjoy the sushi dinner coming up. As much as I hate to say this, the benefits of living child free will have to be my something to look forward to if this journey ends without a baby. Until then, bring on the hot flashes!

* my dear husband packed a little hot lunch for me today so I wanted to wash the containers

Med Newbie

So this is my first cycle on meds, specifically Clomid and I just wanted to tell you guys about the side effects I'm experiencing. They've been really mild. I've been having hot flashes at night that wake me up for a brief second.  Then this morning I felt really down. I didn't want to go to work. I just feel lazy and not happy. A little depressed. Now I'm just mellow. Not happy or sad. I guess I'm just cruising. 

Today is CD 4 so only 2 pills left.

Update and The Plan

Before I tell you about the plan let's talk about my progesterone test results.  16.4 ng/ml. Doctor said I ovulated. Good right? Count my blessings? I'm trying but AF showed yesterday so boo to 16.4 ng/ml.  DH counts were great too. 55 million, post wash. I don't know what else to say except BFN. On a positive note, we're moving on.

My doctor is referring me to the RE that I wanted to see  Three of my co-workers saw him and ALL three had successful pregnancies. They all had healthy girls. The approval for the referral will take about 2 weeks so while we wait my doctor wants to put me on a Clomid + IUI cycle.  I will take the Clomid (50 mg) on Days 3-7, do my OPK then IUI. Hopefully the referral will be approved before this cycle ends and I will be able to schedule an appointment with the RE. Of course I'm hoping that I won't need to see the RE because I will get pregnant on my first try at Clomid. Cue in Miss Hope's cousin Miss Wishful Thinking. But if not, I am excited to meet this RE and be in the hands of people whose job is to make babies.

My only concern besides waiting for the referral is the side effects of Clomid. Will this make me more of a B!*%@? Cause seriously this last cycle (no meds by the way) I almost ripped my husband's head off.

A Different Cycle

This cycle felt different. I didn't get my normal premenstrual symptoms. This maybe TMI but this is a infertility blog so there is no TMI right? Right. Ok, so normally on 4 DPO I start getting yellow discharge which eventually leads to spotting on 10 DPO and AF on 11 DPO.  This time I didn't get the yellow discharge and what ever symptoms I did have were very slight. I started to think that maybe we could join the IUI #3 worked for us group. Stupid naive little me.  I let Miss Hope skip her way into this cycle.

I started spotting this morning. 10 DPO. Right on time.  Something feels wrong.  I'm still waiting for my doctor to call with the results of my Day 21 Progesterone test. Although, all my signs show that I did ovulate (OPK and temperature) my body may just be fooling me and I don't want to be a fool.  I want to know. I need to know.

When he does call, I'll also ask about my referral to a RE.  So here I am back in the Waiting Line. Just Waiting.

2012

Happy New Year!

I hope that everyone was able to enjoy their holiday. It was really crazy for us but we made it. I am really looking forward to this new year. Hope has found me again and I am determined to welcome a baby this year. Who's with me?

I had my third IUI on Friday although my OPK turned positive on Saturday. It's ok though because as I mentioned in my last post, I have to go through 3 failed IUIs in order to be referred to a RE. My clinic was closed on Saturday so I just did the IUI on Friday. Honestly, I don't know if this IUI will work. I would love for it to be a BFP but deep down I'm just ready to move on to IVF. I will be getting my day 21 progesterone check so I'm curious to see the results.

In looking my back on 2011, there is one thing that I am truly grateful for. I am so lucky to have found you ladies. You have been such a tremendous support for me and it is such a blessing to know that you guys understand my ramblings about infertility and life in general.

My wish for all of you is that 2012 brings you your heart's desire. Whatever that maybe. Although, I may have a pretty good guess.