My Secret Stash

When I knew I had to have a myomectomy I started buying dresses.  I was told that it would be uncomfortable to wear pants since my belly would be swollen. It was a hopeful time.  I had thought that this surgery would cure my infertility and I would be pregnant in no time and those dresses would come in handy. Little did I know that those dresses would be the only thing I could wear because the surgery did not cure my infertility and I gained so much weight that I could no longer fit into my work pants or jeans.

When I was given the okay to exercise again, I didn't because although there was no proven fact that running would hurt conception, I didn't want to chance it. And so I continued to buy dresses and flowy tops because I refused to spend money on bigger pants.  I kept justifying these purchases on the hope that I would be pregnant soon. When that didn't happen I started to realize that some of these dresses and tops just made me look pregnant and that if I wore them people would start asking if I was expecting.  So I started a putting them in a drawer. It became my Secret Stash of tops and dresses that I would wear when I am pregnant.

It feels kind of dirty. I'm hiding away clothes.  My husband doesn't know about this drawer. I could put these clothes in my drawer with the rest of my clothes that I do wear but I don't. They have their own drawer and it's an exclusive club.  Only future pregnancy clothes can go in there. I don't intentionally buy these clothes. They're not from the maternity section. I just wanted to find tops that were loose enough to hide my muffin top and dresses that I could wear to work. They just didn't look right when I got home and were too cute to return.

So there, I confessed. I have a Secret Stash. Anyone else willing to come clean?

Ignorance and Distraction

First, congratulations to my bloggy friends Katie and Izzy for their BFPs! I'm very happy and excited that they are one step closer to having a baby in their arms. It gives me hope.

As for real life, well I decided that I don't want to know.  I would like to be in the dark when someone I know knows of someone they know who are trying to get pregnant.  I would rather live in ignorance.  I don't want to be left in the dust when these other women who are just acquaintances are pregnant before I am.  It hurts enough when my friends lap me. It's like adding salt to the wound. I know that they are just sharing great news and it is my fault for telling them 2 years ago that we were trying. All I can do is acknowledge and deflect. That how I've been handling it.


Current cycle: Possibly around 7DPO. AF should be arriving this weekend. I've been continuing to run on this TWW. It's been helpful in clearing my mind. And since I am waiting for a call from my RE letting me know that my insurance has given the approval to continue I am joining Belle with her March Photo Challenge. I'm very excited and would love for you guys to join in too.

IVF Consult - More Waiting

The consult went very well.  The RE, let's call her Dr. A is everything I had hoped for an RE. She took her time, explained everything, very thorough and answered all my questions. She was straight forward and overall a nice doctor to have.  She explained hormones, IUI, injectable cycles and IVF. It was very informative. 

The result is that she doesn't recommend IVF right now.  She recommends we do a monitored cycle of IUI with Clomid. Based on my medical history and hubby's she feels that this would be the best thing to do. I have always felt that my OB didn't do enough. I was never monitored and my first 3 cycles were unmedicated (natural - a new term I learned today).  I'm okay with her recommendation. What I am not okay about is that I will again be waiting.  She has to get back to my regular clinic/insurance with her findings and get approval to continue with this next step which may take 2 weeks. More waiting. The title of this blog couldn't have been more appropriate. One more thing, if we did IVF our out of pocket expense would be $4,500. 

Oh and I also have a UTI. I woke up at 2:47 AM with a very familiar burning sensation and urgency to pee. Since I have recurring UTIs,  my doctor prescribes an extra bottle of antibiotics for me to have at home so I can take it on onset. He still requires me to call him so he can diagnose me properly just to make sure that it's not a kidney infection. He called right after I got out of my IVF consult. Good timing. I guess some things do work out. 

As for where I am in my cycle. I actually don't really know.  I could be between 3-4 DPO. Since I will be in another waiting period I will continue to enjoy running and wine.

Before I end this post, I wanted to ask you guys about your thoughts on my IVF consult. I would totally appreciate if you guys had any thoughts or maybe if there is some thing that I didn't take into consideration. Please let me know what you think.

Hi!

 Welcome ICLW'ers!

I started this blog because I needed an out. An out from the monthly disappointments of not being pregnant.  I don't have any real life friends who are going through infertility.  They are all fine and dandy with getting pregnant within months of trying.  This blog has been a blessing.  It has given me a bond with amazing ladies who understand this roller coaster ride of infertility. They are forgiving and funny. And they give me hope when I feel I don't have any left in me.


This Thursday is my first IVF consult with an RE. I am excited and hopeful. We have done 4 IUIs, 1 with Clomid with my regular OB/GYN. All unsuccessful so we are moving on to IVF. This month while we wait, I have rekindled my relationship with running. Endorphins, how I missed you so.  I've been eating healthier and although I haven't weighed myself yet I am already reaping the benefits. I have more energy.  I just feel better.


I am still infertile so of course we are still trying but with less pressure.  No temping and less OPK testing. I know I said I would give up the OPK but I just couldn't. I haven't been good about it though because I've been testing periodically so I'm not really sure where I am in this cycle. And just like before we started IUI, I am hoping that this is the "BFP before IVF" cycle but if it's not it's ok. I'll be ok because we have a plan. I hope you'll join me as this plan unfolds because things always go according to plan right? Right.

Thoughts

My appointment with the RE is next week Thursday. I'm excited, scared and anxious all at the same time. There are no guarantees and with so many success stories come just as many unsuccessful stories.  I don't know where these next steps will lead us. I can only pray that it will lead to a healthy pregnancy and baby.  I know thinking bad thoughts will not get me anywhere but I can't help but have them. Until then, I started running again.  It helps slow my mind down and I'm also hoping it will help me lose some of these 10 lbs that I've gained since the myomectomy. 10 lbs! Baby steps I guess. Literally.

It's On Like Donkey Kong

I got the call you guys! I am approved to go see an RE. The RE clinic should receive the faxed approval by today so I was told to call the clinic tomorrow and make an appointment.  Woo hoo! I am excited and hopeful again. The ups and downs of infertility.  Hanging on to the up as long as I can because if there's one thing for sure, it's the downs.

I'm Good

My evening last night as follows.  Got home from work. Still no call from the clinic. AF is absent. Took a pregnancy test. BFN. As expected. Had a glass of wine, beef jerky and some Lay's Sour Cream and Onion chips for dinner.  I'm good. 

I've thought about it and made a decision that we will take a month off from IUI and Clomid while we wait for the referral. It might be good for us. We'll still try but just without the OPK and temping.  I'm a control freak so I like to know what's going on and I also believe in science and doing what I can so it's going to be hard not using the OPK and following up with temping BUT I have to. I have to.  I know that the referral will go through. I know we will see the RE. It's just a matter of when.  

Thank you ladies for knowing just what to say. I know there will be tougher days ahead but knowing you are there truly helps.

Update: AF still hasn't reared her ugly head. It's 12 DPIUI, 13 DPO and this is the longest I've gone without spotting or AF showing.  My temperature is still low and I did take a pregnancy test this morning. Of course it's negative. Do you think the Clomid messed me up?

Hate

Hate is a strong word to me. I always use caution when using this word. I don't use it unless it's what I really feel because once it's said I can't take it back. Well, I hate infertility.

I'm so tired of this. My temp went down this morning so AF should be arriving today or tomorrow and I'm still waiting for our referral to go through. I called the clinic this morning and am waiting for a call back. More waiting. I hate this.  I hate to have to wait another cycle. I need to know what our next steps are. I need to have a plan so I won't feel so sad and upset that my first medicated cycle failed. It just makes me want to quit. It gets harder and harder.  The BFN hurts more each time. I honestly don't know how many more of these I can take. My emotions are all over the place and I hate that.  I felt like I had no control over my emotions this cycle. I hate that I take it out on my husband.  I hate wondering what went wrong or what could be wrong or why it didn't work. I hate that we will probably hear more pregnancy news from our friends and I can't be happy for them because I am too sad and jealous that it's not us.

I will probably feel better once I know about the referral.  I will probably have hope again for this upcoming cycle once it's underway.

Thank you for listening and letting me rant.  I just needed to get it all out.