Waiting

First, thank you guys for all your support. I'll post an update later about it. Now on to the waiting.

That's where I am. Waiting for OPK to go positive. Then it will be our third IUI.  More waiting and on CD 21 I will take a blood test to check if I really did ovulate. You would think they would've checked this on my first IUI. I can't wait to move to a real fertility clinic. Then again more waiting to see if this third IUI will result in a BFP. One can only wait.


It seems that's all we do is wait.

I almost forgot to update you guys on what my doctor said. He will be on vacation this week so next week Monday I will call his office to remind him to start the paperwork so I can get referred to a RE. Thank goodness. I'm ready to get this show on the road.

 Hope you guys are done with shopping or close to it.

Infertile Ornament

DH and I have bought an ornament for every year we've been together. We would pick one that would describe the big event of that year. If we went on a trip, we would buy one from that trip.

Ready for the sad story? There was no trip or big event this year. We didn't buy a house, do any renovation, get a new puppy, no promotion, nothing. We couldn't think of anything. Except one. Infertility. This whole freakin' year was about trying to have a baby. And there it is. We are looking for an Infertile ornament. Where can one get an Infertile ornament? Goo.gle. That's where. Check this out. For a second I thought I had my million dollar idea. Boy was I wrong. Some of them are funny and brought a smile to my face so I figure I'd share them you gals.

Since I'm still in the closet, I'm not sure if I would get one and put it on the tree. Especially since it's our year to host Christmas with our friends. I hope next Christmas that we will be picking out a First Baby 2012.

Referral

When my lovely friend AF came on Saturday, I called my doctor's office. I wanted to talk to my doctor about starting the paperwork to get a out of network referral because my doctor's office doesn't do IVF. I was told that this takes 5 weeks. I really don't want to wait 5 weeks.  The probability that the fibroids will grow back is high and I don't want to go through another myomectomy again. When I made that call I was referred to an "advice nurse" who told me that I would have to go through 3 failed IUIs before they refer me out. I explained that I wanted to just start the paperwork while I'm going through my 3rd IUI. My *shiny new uterus will not be shiny for long. She responded by saying that I should talk to my doctor. Thank you. That's why I called in the first place. Well I got a telephone appointment to talk to my doctor today and still no call. I know this is not life threatening and I'm sure he's probably seeing other patients who have more pressing issues which is fine but this waiting is killing me.

I will do the third IUI and will be really happy if it worked but if it doesn't I don't want to be waiting for paperwork. I'd like to take the next step.  I hate to be in limbo. If trying naturally worked I wouldn't be in this situation. 

*after the myomectomy, I was told that I should get pregnant right away because my uterus was free of fibroids.

Better Luck Next Time

Hey guys, sorry for being MIA. Christmas just went into overdrive and we finally finished our Christmas shopping.

I'll just cut to the chase and tell you that AF reared her ugly head this past Saturday. I expected it. It bothered me earlier that week when my CM was getting darker which is an indication that AF is on its way.  Anyway, final and last IUI will be later this month and honestly I'm ready to move on to IVF.

Decline

I was invited to a surprise baby shower this weekend. It's a co-ed one so my husband is invited as well. I would love to go but I don't think I can do it this time. This weekend is when I'll find out if this IUI was successful or not. If it's not, I will not be in the mood to be celebrating. So I will have to decline. I'm sad and upset at infertility and what it's done to me.  I love baby showers and I especially enjoy playing the games. Yes, I am one of those people. I'm very competitive. I've lost a little of that part of myself. 

Oh and here's the best part. I asked one of my girlfriends if she was going. She's not because she has to work and she's five days late. So she might be pregnant but she's not going to test. She's just going to wait and see.

Wait and see?! What the hell does that mean? I'm done. End text. Delete conversation.

Update: I'm 5 DPIUI. No pregnancy symptoms at all. Just the normal pre-menstrual ones. 

Here We Go

Today is IUI #2.

I tested twice a day as you guys advised me to and got a positive yesterday morning and afternoon. Today it was negative and my temperature is still low so here we go!

In Love...

with these girls who just gave me the Tell Me About Yourself Award! Thank you Lisa, Cristy, Izzy and Katie. You guys are the best!

 Certain rules apply when receiving this award:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award!
2. List 7 things people may not know about you.
3. Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and notify them as well.


My Seven Things

1. I love watching reality TV, even the trashy ones. I really enjoyed Jon and K.ate plus Ei.ght. Can't wait for The B.achelor to start.
2. I enjoy people watching. Not in a weird way. I'm talking about just sitting on a bench, having a sandwich and watching people go about their business. I wonder what they do for a living. Are they having trouble conceiving. You know the normal questions. What? The second question isn't normal? It's normal for me. It's on my mind everyday.
   
3. One day I will design my own typeface. I love letterpress cards and the wonder of it all makes me excited.
4. I live on the island of O.ahu. 
5. I love barbecues. The food, the company and time slowing down for just a little while. This is the only occasion when I want time to slow down. Otherwise, please hurry and let it be my turn already.
6. I have a recurring dream/nightmare where I'm driving, something goes wrong and I end up in the ocean. On the contrary, I love the water and am not afraid of it.
7. I believe in God and karma.

Sorry ladies, I can only do 5 since my procrastination has screwed me where most my favorite gals have already received this award.

1. Rachel
2. Lola
3. Waiting and Wishing
4. AJ
5. Sometimes

Just a quickie...

update I mean. What did you think?! Sorry, ok so seriously. I just wanted to give you guys a quick update on where I am. It is CD 8 for me. I'm waiting till CD 10 to start testing with my OPKs. When that goes positive, I call the clinic that morning and they schedule the IUI for the next day. This is our second IUI so this whole process gets so confusing because on our first IUI I ovulated the day the OPK was positive. I know this because my temp went up the day of the IUI. Then this last cycle, I O'ed 2 days after the test went positive. WTH!  I need your advice. Do they normally do the IUI the day after your test goes positive? Is it normal to O the day your test goes positive? I could goo.gle this to death but you guys are my trusted source and I value your experiences more.

The Good Ol' Days

I woke up at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep. I was trying to remember the days before we started TTC. The days when my first thought in the morning wasn't when we would have a baby.  Or why we don't already have one. Looking back, I would call them easy days. Easy because I had my life under control. Well at least I felt like I did. I don't feel that way anymore. It's crazy isn't it? I can't even remember it being a gradual change from not ready for baby to wanting baby NOW. It's all I can think of now. Especially at 2am.

Can you remember those days?

The Walk

There's a pregnant woman on my floor at work. Damn it. Never saw her before. She just showed up one day last week like a slap in the face. She looks like she's about 6 months. All baby. From the back you wouldn't even know that she was pregnant. But I knew. I know the walk. I can spot it from a mile away. I try to avoid pregnant women like the plague.  If I see a pregnant woman coming my way, I try to look away as she passes. I pretend like she wasn't there.  Avoidance, yes but this is what I need to do to keep myself sane. Otherwise, I'll just go crazy.

By the way, I saw 3 of them today. 3 baby bumps. Not that I was counting.

Not This Time

It's official. IUI #2 here we come! AF showed on Black Friday. Of all the days. I guess she wanted to get some of the deals as well. We don't normally do the crazy shopping but I needed a distraction. I know I'm crazy but it helped.  I actually had a great time just watching everyone. I didn't even let the strollers, cute baby clothes or toys get to me. You know come to think of it, it may have been the caffeine that was in my system. It never gave me time to feel jealous. I didn't finish my Christmas shopping though so after this post I'll need to check our list. Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

My very first award!

Given to me by Cristy at Searching for our silver lining

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers 

with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

The 5 Blogs below are the ones that I want to pass this award onto:

1. AJ - Rainbow Making 101
2. Belle - Scrambled Eggs
3. NH - Getting There
4. The Cornfed Feminist
5. Izzy - Eggceptional Blues
   

Thank you so much Cristy! This means a lot to me. <3

Fbook Stalker. Well not really.

I'm fessing up. I just Fa.cebook stalked my husband ex-girlfriend. Ok, well I didn't really stalk her but she made a comment on a mutual friend of ours so I clicked on her name. I shouldn't have done it. I knew the second my finger left the mouse that I was asking for it. I mean c'mon, what was I really expecting to see?! I already knew she was married and had one child. Well guess what? Yup, she just had another baby. How I wish to be in the same position. To not have any time but to be a mommy and a wife.

This of course brought bad thoughts. I thought that this could have been my husband's life if he had stayed with her. He would have had two girls instead on none right now. I know, I shouldn't be having these thoughts but I can't help it. 

Anyway, I envy her.



 

Baths

When we first started trying, I was such a good girl. I didn't have any caffeine, no sushi, no alcohol and no baths. Then come the BFNs and bring on the caffeine, alcohol and sushi. I learned quickly that if I was too survive this roller coaster I had to find some kind of balance. However, the baths I couldn't fit in because the only time I could fit it in was right after AF and before insemination. Which for me is a very small window.

Ladies, I will be taking a nice HOT BATH at the end of this cycle as soon as I'm clear.  And I am totally excited about it because I am trying this new bath bomb from L.USH.  Have you guys ever tried anything from L.USH Cosmetics? I usually just put a little of my Neutrogena bath gel in my baths because I didn't want to get a yeast infection. I was a little concerned about the bath bomb but after reading that L.USH uses natural ingredients I figure I'd give it try.

Welcome!

It's ICLW week! This is my first time participating and it feels like the first day of school. I can't wait to meet new friends. The journey to motherhood is quite a lonely one which is the main reason I started this blog.

Our journey is in the TTC History tab and as of today I am 6DPO. We're trying naturally this cycle but will back on the IUI wagon next month. It will be our second IUI and honestly I just want this cycle to end. I'm already getting symptoms that my period will be here so I just want to get it over with.  I wish I could be more hopeful but I feel it will be better if I expect AF to show up. Especially since she's supposed to arrive this upcoming Sunday and I really don't want to be in a bad mood this Thanksgiving.

Well I can't wait to meet all of you so please leave a comment and here's to sharing this journey together!

Crampy

I'm cramping.  I think I'm 2DPO. I'm getting twinge pains and dull cramping. It's very weird and not normal for me at 2DPO.  It could be from the UTI.  As much as I wish these were early signs, I know better. It's too early to even have symptoms. Its probably just my body being all weird.  I'm so tired of noting down all the damn symptoms and then getting the BFN. It's so disappointing.

Infertile Holidays

How does an Infertile celebrate the holidays? I'm really not sure as I am still trying to figure that out. Isn't there a manual out there to tell us how to avoid the heart ache that comes with celebrating the holidays being barren?

As the holidays approach, the pre-infertile me usually looks forward to it.  I use to LOVE the holidays. Black Friday, holiday drinks at Starbucks, lights, presents, Christmas trees and the future of seeing my children's faces light up when they open their presents on Christmas day. Well that joy is slowly slipping away. This will be the second Christmas of wishing that Santa bring us a baby for Christmas. Last year I had a little hope because there was a plan and a reason we weren't getting pregnant (fibroids). Now that there are no fibroids, there is no plan. There is no reason, well except one. Being infertile. I'm not sure what's worse. Coal or infertility. Actually, I'll take coal any day.

So on to how to celebrate this holiday season being infertile.

1) Change the channel when ads involving children and toys
2) Avoid any holiday events tailored towards families
3) Buy all the gifts for the children on my list in one trip
4) Have the hubby wrap all the gifts listed in #3 (wishful thinking)
5) wine
6) wine
7) wine
8) sushi

And hope that maybe next year the joy will return.

IUI Intermission

Looks like IUI#2 will have to wait till next cycle.  We weren't able to schedule the IUI this month because my ovulation fell on a day when my clinic is closed.  So we are trying naturally this month.  I'm already expecting it not to work and am looking forward for next month's IUI. Especially since I got a UTI this month. This is the second one. Hate them.  And believe me you guys, we do everything we can to prevent it. However, when you're trying you can't just get up and pee afterwards so I'm thinking that probably didn't help.

Anyway, in the mean time I'll be having some wine and sushi. Here's to next month!

Weight Gain

I have gained about 10 pounds since my myomectomy and at first that was ok because I enjoyed wearing dresses.  They're so easy. You just put them on and you're done. Well it's been 6 months post myomectomy and I want to wear pants again. I'm tired of wearing dresses and people are starting to think that I'm pregnant. I wish I was but as you guys already know, I'm not.

Two months ago I dust off my work pants and put them on. Guess what? They don't fit. WTH!  I had two choices, buy new pants or lose the weight. Work pants are not cheap but losing weight is so I gave myself two months to try to lose enough weight to fit into my pants again. Two months past and total weight loss is ZERO.  It's hard you guys. Especially since I haven't exercised since April and although I know it's okay to exercise while your trying, I was scared.  Some say you shouldn't and some say it's ok.  It was our first IUI and I didn't want to chance anything. 

During my 2ww I went shopping. I figured since there was a sale I could get work pants but not wear them until after my 2ww.  If I was pregnant I would return them and if not I would keep them. Today I'm cutting off the tags and am excited to be able to wear pants again. And this time around I think I may start exercising again. What do you guys think? Is it okay to exercise when your doing an IUI?

Next Time

Well looks like we'll have to do another round of IUI. My temperature went down this morning and I just have that feeling that AF will show up either tonight or tomorrow. I already went through the sadness, disappointment and the rest of the feelings that come with a BFN.  Now I can't say for sure since AF hasn't showed up yet but I know my body and why suffer through the disappointment.  I feel that I might as well get it over with now and look forward for this next cycle. So girls, let's do this.  Here's to another round!

Temp went up!

You know that saying, "woke up on the wrong side of the bed"? Well taking my basal temperature every morning dictates which side of the bed I'm waking up on. This morning I woke up on the right side because my temp went back up. YAY! 

Honestly though, I hate these ups and downs. HATE THEM.  I wish I didn't have to take my temperature but I need the data to show my doctor.  Last year I had a paid subscription to Fertility Friend. Well that year has passed and I'm now on the free version.  I'm teetering on whether to get another paid subscription but I feel it will make me more obsessed than I already am. I'm the kind of person that will analyze every little thing. Crazy, I know.

Well, I'm expecting AF to show up this Saturday. I really hope she doesn't.

7 DPIUI

So it's 7 days past IUI and my temperature went down a little.  Very disheartening. And the roller coaster goes down.  I feel like we're unsuccessful this time. Again. On my walk to work I had to tell myself that it's ok and that we have a plan. We'll do another IUI.

Just Waiting

It feels like I've been waiting in this long line, just waiting for my turn. My turn to be pregnant. My turn to have a baby.

I've been pondering about writing a blog since my husband and I started trying to conceive. Words don't come easily for me and grammar is not my best friend so please forgive me in advance. It's also hard when you come from a private family. I would die if my family ever found this, let alone my husband's family but I need to do this for myself.  This journey is hard enough as it is so I'm laying it all down. The ups and downs and in betweens. And I hope that along the way it will be my turn.