Forgotten

I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore but for some reason I feel the need to be here. I am currently lost and may possibly be in one of my darkest moments.  I also feel that I should share my story because as much as I would hate to know that someone out there may be going through the same thing, some one might be and I want them to know that they are not alone.


So where do I start? Let's start where we left off.  After my second D&C, my HCG numbers finally fell to 0 and the 6 month countdown began. The weekly blood test became monthly and in August we started the next stage of treatment, injectable IUIs. Somewhere in between these cycles, I had 2 hysteroscopys to remove scar tissue in my uterus which was from either the myomectomy or the 2 D&Cs.  After I got the all clear we moved on the IVF.


IVF resulted in 3 frozen embryos. 2 good and 1 fair. For specifics see my TTC History. My lining was too thin and my progesterone levels were to high to continue with a fresh transfer so we did a FET on September 26, 2014. On Saturday, October 4 (8dp3dt) I did a HPT and it was negative. I tested the next 2 days and both tests were negative. My blood test was on October 6th and I was sure the clinic would call and tell me it was negative. They didn't. A negative result is <2.0. Mine was a 3.


Let the beta roller coaster begin.


10/6 - Beta #1 -  3
10/8 - Beta#2 - 15
10/11 - Beta #3 - 27
10/13 - Beta #4 - 45
10/15 - Beta #5 - 81
10/17 - Beta #6 - 196
10/23 (one week later) - Beta #7 2668


Since I my numbers were now over 1500 my doctor wanted me to come in for an ultrasound the day after my last blood test. On October 24th, my BFF the transvaginal ultrasound revealed no gestational sac in either the fallopian tubes or in the uterus. It also revealed that 3 fibroids which I think the doctor mentioned are in areas that would not affect the pregnancy, if there was one. Now what?


Well, the plan is to do another blood test in 3 days and for another ultrasound later that day.  We can't do anything until we see something. There's something there that's creating HCG. I am scared that this is an ectopic pregnancy.


I don't know what lesson God is teaching me. I know he has big plans for me. Plans that I have a hard time seeing right now. Right now I feel forgotten. All I can do know is wait and pray that he will remember me on Monday.

Scheduled

November 13.  I'll be under general anthesia for another D&C to take out residual tissue. Or as it says on my consent form "Products of conception".

I'm feeling better about it after seeing my doctor.  My level should go down quicker after the procedure and then we can start the 6 month countdown.

My levels are still going down so that's a positive.

I will have to take a week off of my Insanity workout after the D&C but that's okay.  I'll start back up the following week. Hopefully because that's all I got right now to keep me going.

Possible D&C AGAIN!

Bullshit. This is bullshit.

I emailed my doctor yesterday morning because I was concerned about the intermittent bleeding I'm having.  It's been 7 weeks post D&C and I'm still bleeding. Very light and occasional cramping.

I got a call from my doctor yesterday afternoon. He's concerned about the bleeding and the delta of my numbers. He wants to do an ultrasound to see if there is still residual tissue. If he finds residual tissue, I'll need to do another D&C. Damn it.

I'm so angry right now. This just pisses me off. 

I know it's what's best for me but if I have to another D&C, I'll need to stop my Insanity workouts.  Plus this might push back our 6 months wait before trying again.

As I write this, I am hoping that one day I'll be able to look back on this post when all of this is behind me. Right now it feels that that day will never come.

Levels and Insanity

There's really nothing much going on with me. My levels have been going down. I've been updating my TTC History page with the numbers.  It's been going down very slowly and just grueling.  It's taking so long to get to zero.  Good thing I'm not afraid of needles because I have to keep getting these blood tests until it hits 2 or 0.

I'm on Day 10 of my Insanity workout.  It's hard but I kinda love it.  I can't do all the reps and I do take breaks but I do feel stronger each day. It gives me a goal to work towards and helps me keep my mind off the wait.  I haven't yet seen any results besides the couple pounds I've lost which is probably water weight so we'll see in a month.

The workout also comes with this nutrition book.  I found it pretty interesting. It's not a diet but basically eating "clean". Nothing processed.  I have to eat ~300 calories 5 times a day.  In the beginning it was hard because I wasn't able to eat that much so often. I had to force myself and I've noticed that by doing so I was able to last longer during the workout. I wasn't as shaky.

I've been trying to think of good things to look forward to. I still wake up every morning with that emptiness.  The memories of what we've been through still go through my mind. The 2 positive lines, the miscarriage and the partial molar pregnancy.  I dread going back to the infertility clinic, the appointments and the waiting. I wonder if we will be able to get pregnant on our own within 3 months of trying. These are just some of the stuff that I still think about. I don't think it will ever go away.  Until then I will work on me and my insanity.

Gossip

When I was pregnant, I told a few people at work.  I told my boss and some of my co-workers that I was close with. Of course when I went through my miscarriage they also knew.  Well today, one of my co-worker who I shared my news with just told me that 2 others at work (both women) asked if I was pregnant.  He told them he didn't know. 

I'm not surprised of their suspicions. I was pregnant and because it was a Partial Molar Pregnancy my belly was bigger than normal. My HCG level was so high that my forehead was full of acne and I looked sick.  I was nauseous all day.  I can see why they think I'm pregnant.

Today the acne is slowly disappearing. I have more color in my face and more energy.  My belly is not as pronounced as it was but I still have a pooch.  They might very well think I'm in my second trimester and the reason why I'm looking a little better.

I'm not sure how to handle this you guys.  I am not close enough with these women to tell them what happened but every time I bump into them I will know what they are thinking. Do I need to bring some tequila to work and take a shot of it in front of them? Ok I'm exaggerating but how do you come out and say, "No, I'm not pregnant." 

Or is the solution to just be okay with what ever they are thinking. They will know soon enough when six months pass by and my belly isn't growing.

I guess I better start my Insanity workout soon.

Glimpses

Mid morning I could feel a migraine coming on so I reached in my purse for my pill box hoping to find some aspirin but instead it was filled with prenatal vitamins. I remembered that I had taken out all the drugs that I couldn't take anymore when I was pregnant so I wouldn't take them by accident. I guess I had forgotten to take them out after the miscarriage.

Yesterday after work, I went into the cupboard to get a snack and found the pretzels I bought to ease the nausea. And just a few moments ago, I found 2 pieces of ginger candy.

Every now I then I get these little reminders that we were pregnant. Seeing them right after the miscarriage brought anger and pain but now it reminds me of how happy we were in those 6 weeks.  I want that and I want it to be more than just 6 weeks. I want it for a lifetime.


There was a post out there on how to "clean up" after a miscarriage.  I've been searching for it and can't for the life of me remember who wrote. If any of you know please send me the link. I may have more cleaning up to do.

Going Down

Slowly but surely my levels are going down.


HCG:

• 9/24: 3506.7
• 9/17: 7735.2
• 9/10: 15376.9

I was thinking yesterday I want a push present.  Don't you think that going through a pregnancy loss deserves one? I sure do.  I know it's a temporary fix but it will make me happy to buy something nice for myself. I'm thinking maybe a new bag. Any ideas?

Almost Stealing My Thunder

If there's one thing I've learned about infertility, it's the back and forth of good days and bad days.

In these 3 years, 4 couples in our group of friends have gotten pregnant and had healthy beautiful babies. There's just 3 couples, we are one of them, who are married and childless.  We just found out that the 3 is now 2.

Here's the kicker. Their baby is due in late March. Although I know that our pregnancy wasn't viable, it still  hurts that at one point in our pregnancy, March 2013 was the month everything would have changed for us.

We could have experienced being pregnant together and our babies being the same age. Blah blah blah. You guys know what I mean right?

As the conversation continued following their great news, the spotlight turned to us. And its the same old questions. "So when are you guys going to have a baby?" "Are you guys trying?" "Now it's your guys turn." I even got the, "Are you tracking your cycles?" She even started telling me about how not every one's cycle is the same so I should start tracking my cycles.  Little did she know that I took that class.  I'm currently in the grad course level - Infertility with a Pregnancy Loss 601.

Please know that I am not angry at her. This is just a part of me grieving and dealing with their pregnancy news.  I am happy for them and am excited to meet their son.  On the bright side, his birth will hopefully also be the end of these 6 months and the beginning of us trying again.

Oh and by the way, they would have stolen our thunder anyway if our pregnancy had been viable. And I sure hate to have someone stealing my thunder!

xoxo

Get Low. Get Low.

It's looking good guys. 

HCG:

• 9/17: 7735.2
• 9/10: 15376.9

Taking it a week at a time.  This morning I treated myself to a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. Have you guys tried it yet? It's so yummy!

Getting Me Back

I feel good. After everything, I've realized that this past pregnancy was not meant to be.  There was nothing we could have done to save it. It was doomed from the beginning. I like to joke that hubby's little guys were so excited to find the egg that 2 of them made it in.

I am glad to have my body back.  My HCG levels during the pregnancy were higher than normal and the reason why I was so sick. I still feel a little queasy but not as sick like during pregnancy.  I was nauseous ALL day.  It's nice to enjoy food again.  It's also nice to be able to climb stairs and not feel like I just ran 3 miles.  Oh and the best part is being able to start my Proactive treatment to get rid of the damn acne that has covered my whole forehead.

I am still hopeful and I am more than willing to go through these symptoms for a healthy pregnancy.

In the meantime, I am going to work on getting me back.  I have a follow up appointment with my doctor next week Monday and am hoping that he'll ok me to go back to normal activities. I am planning to start running again and am also thinking of trying Insanity. I've been thinking about it while we were doing our IUI's and had planned to get it after having a baby.  Since we're benched for 6 months this is a good time. Let me know if any of you have tried it before or if you think I'm insane for even trying it.

I had some hot sake last night at a Japanese BBQ restaurant.  It was soooooo good!  I didn't have a lot but just enough for the taste.  If any of you are planning to visit Oahu, I highly recommend this place.

Lastly, I cannot thank you enough for your support and kind words.  It saddens me that we have to meet because of infertility but at the same time I am so grateful that it is the reason that we have each other.

Partial Molar Pregnancy

As if a miscarriage wasn't enough.  Pathology results showed that I had a Partial Molar Pregnancy.

I will have to take blood tests weekly to check that my HCG levels are going down. Once it reaches 0, then I test monthly for 6 months. Hoping that it stays at 0.

6 months and we can start trying again. 6 months should have been our c-section date.

After talking with my doctor and reading up on Partial Molar Pregnancy, I had the symptoms.  My belly was bigger than normal. I thought it was just because of my pooch. At my first ultrasound, my RE mentioned that my uterus was larger than normal. I would wake up in the middle of the night and early morning with a rapid heart rate. I figured it was due to my nausea which was also another sign. I had severe nausea but no vomiting.  Then again, the nausea is also one of the normal pregnancy symptoms however it felt like my pregnancy was progressing at higher than normal rate.

I am trying to just take things one day at a time and focusing on getting my HCG down to 0 and keep it at 0.

My baseline HCG result taken yesterday: 15,376.9

D&C Experience

I am overwhelmed by all the support everyone has given me. Thank you for all your love.  I honestly don't know how women go through this without this community.  I am truly thankful.

My D&C is the most physically painful experience I've had to endure in my 35 years.  Remember that myomectomy I had, that was a piece of cake compared to this.  I should have asked to go under with general anesthesia. Instead I was awake, with 2 Vicodin in my system and my cervix injected with Lidocaine.  Never again.

My doctor was a rock star. He talked me through the procedure and even counted backwards to let me know when he was done with each step. I don't remember how long it took.  Hubby said it was about 15 minutes. I was just glad for it to be over.

Sometime last week, I dug my head out of the sand needing to hear some good news.  Instead, my heart just ached even more as I read of Sometimes results.  This was not fair. What's the statistic for miscarriage? 1 in 4. 1 in 5.  That one was me.   She was supposed to be on the other side of that. I was immediately filled with anger.

Labor day weekend has been the worst weekend by far.  I don't know if I will ever be able to look at Labor day in another light.

Still waiting for pathology results. No karyotyping and I'm ok with that.

I am back at work today. It's good. It's like I'm ripping of the band aid. I'm getting back to my normal routine. Normal routine = Life with Infertility.

No heartbeat. Back in line.

We had our second ultrasound yesterday and there was no heartbeat. The baby measured 8 Weeks 5 Days. We are supposed to be 9 Weeks 2 Days.

We are beyond devastated. I'm not even sure how I will get through writing this but I have to. I need to get this all out.

I knew it was over as soon as I saw our baby. There was no flickering. The image was still. I was in shock and I think I was telling my doctor, "Don't say that."

I went into this appointment confident that we were going to see a heartbeat. I had no spotting, my boobs are still sore and the nausea was still in full force.  My body gave me no indication that the baby had died.

I didn't cry at the RE's office. I couldn't until I walked out the door.

Because I had Kaiser, I was sent back to my OB to decide on our next steps.  My RE had explained I had three options: Pass the baby naturally, take Misoprostol or have a D&C.

After we left the clinic, I called my OB and saw him in the afternoon.  He gave me the same options.  At first we decided to do the Misoprostol but as we were driving home, I got scared.  I was afraid that my body wouldn't be able to pass a 8 Week 5 Day old embryo and I would have to rush to the emergency room for a emergency D&C. So I called my OB and scheduled a D&C on Tuesday.

My body gave me no reprieve the rest of the day. The nausea was a constant reminder that I had a dead baby inside of me.

This morning at 6:56 am HST, I woke up without the nausea. I don't know if it's because the level of hormones is starting to taper off or if it's because I told my body to stop this bullshit.

I am trying to see the bright side of things.  We were able to get pregnant. I can have sushi and wine again.  I will be able to start running again. And the nausea will be gone.

After the D&C, we will start treatment again in three months, per our RE.

I apologize if this is all over the place but that is where I am.... all over the place.

So here I go, back in line. Waiting for my turn.

1st Ultrasound

One beautiful heartbeat at 118BPM. Measuring at 7 weeks 0 days which is ahead of what they say I am, 6 weeks 5 days.  I can't put in to words how we felt when we heard our baby's heartbeat. Truly a blessing.

As far as symptoms go, I am sick all day.  From the very moment I wake till I go to sleep, I'm constantly nauseous.  I haven't vomited yet. My boobs are still sore and I'm tired all the time. My forehead is full of acne.  As horrible as I feel, I am thankful and wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.

Next ultrasound in 2 weeks.

Obsessive Behavior

Thank you all the congratulations. Please know that as much as I wanted to share this with all of you it came with great heart ache knowing that reading this for some of you is not easy. I will always be praying for all of you no matter where you are in this journey.

As for my obsessive behavior, let's list them shall we?

• always checking my pantyliner
• constantly feeling my breasts
• googling every little thing to make sure that whatever I'm eating or putting on my face is safe for baby

The only symptoms I've been experiencing so far are breast tenderness soreness (they really hurt) and headaches. I've also been a little tired but I think that's normal. Sleeping always makes me happy.

We're are getting anxious about our 1st ultrasound. I'm trying to enjoy being pregnant and not think about what can happen. It's just hard not to. I don't think I'll ever not feel this way until I have this baby in my arms.

My Turn

I was ready. Ready to start my injectable cycle. On the evening of 10 DPO I tested using the many cheap OPK tests I purchased online. I figured since I had so much and we wouldn't be using them anymore that if for some reason it turned positive I would use my very last cheap HCG test. It was negative. There was a line but not as dark as the control line. I expected to be spotting soon. Maybe in the morning.  My luteal phase are between 9-11 days and I always have spotting before full flow.

In the morning, no spotting so I tested again with another OPK and it was positive. What? So I busted out my very last cheap HCG test, brushed my teeth and checked the test. There was a second line.  I honestly didn't know what to do. I called out to hubby, walked to the kitchen, grabbed his hand and led him to the bathroom. I showed him the tests and asked him how many lines did he see. He said, "4 but what does that mean?" I said I wasn't sure but I think we need to go to the store and pick up a "real" test. I picked up 2 boxes of First Response tests. One of course was digital. We didn't need to be more confused.

I was shaking so bad that I could barely open the package. Hubby had to help me read the instructions. We waited 3 minutes, hugged each other and said that we would be okay. In all caps, the test read, "YES+".   We were still in shock. Happy, shocked and surprised. I said we should test again using the regular First Response test. As I was opening it up, I told hubby that this test has never been positive for me. I've only purchased this once before in the beginning when we first started trying to conceive and realized quickly that we would be in debt if I continued buying this test. The second line showed up immediately. We were pregnant.

The top left corner is the cup I used to test.

I called my RE immediately and got a 9:45am appt. Took a urine test (good thing I drank more water before we left the house) and my doctor came in and said "You're pregnant!".  He called for a blood test that day and the following day.

Beta #1 = 57
Beta #2 = 407

We haven't told anyone yet. You guys are the first to know. We don't plan to tell anyone until we reach our 2nd trimester. I do plan to tell my mom because she knows what we've been going through. Hubby isn't planning on telling his parents until after our 1st ultrasound.

We are still in shock.  We also know that anything can happen and we're not out of the woods yet. We have been praying every morning since we found out and thanking God for blessing us with this pregnancy.  Thank you for all your support. I hope that you will stay with me as we continue on this journey. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank You and Meds

Thank you to my lovely bloggy friends who made me feel so much better.  I love you guys. You guys are the best.  I wish we all lived in the same area so we could just hang out and just talk story.


I wanted to give you an update on how I'm doing on DHEA. Today is day 12 on DHEA.  I haven't felt any side effects. AF should arrive by the end of this week and the start of my injectable cycle will begin.  I picked up my meds this past Saturday (see picture below). It was a bit overwhelming especially since my clinic don't provide bags to hold your meds.  This is fine when you're picking up just a bottle or two of meds but this time a recyclable Whole Foods bag would have been great.  Luckily hubby came with me. He held the 4 boxes Bravelle and syringes while I held the sharps container, Novarel, and more syringes.


I'm a little excited to start an injectable cycle and interested to see if DHEA will have an effect. 

Sorry if it's blurry. I took this early this morning.

One of Those Days

I was having one of those days yesterday.

Thinking about how this whole journey has changed me.

I can no longer sit in a restaurant without hearing every cry of a baby or child.

I am jealous of all my friends and co-worker’s posts on Facebook of their children enjoying a day at the beach.
This feeling of jealousy is killing me. I feel like I’m becoming a bitter person.

When I look at my calendar, I see questions.  I cannot think of the future without wondering if hubby and I will have a family.

I can no longer stand watching Disney commercials or any commercials involving babies or children.

The first thing I wonder when meeting someone is whether they have children.

Yesterday was not a good day.

Change of Plans

I spoke to soon.  I will not be going through with IVF this cycle.  We will be doing a natural cycle followed by an injectable cycle.  My RE is putting me on DHEA hoping that if these next two cycles is a bust that it will help with egg production when we go through IVF.  I've been on it since last week Friday and so far so good.  I feel like I have more energy but I'm still not sure if that's from the DHEA.  I've read the studies online regarding DHEA and it seems promising. I'll let you guys know if it helps with the amount of eggs I produce. According to my recent ultrasounds, I am most likely to produce 6 follicles. Which means that at the most 6 eggs. Not too good for someone my age according to my RE. 

Please let me know if you any of you have been on DHEA or heard of anyone who was on it. 

Moving On

I started spotting today so I know that CD 1 will be tomorrow.  I will be calling the clinic first thing tomorrow to make my appointment to move on to IVF.

My thoughts about this is all over the place.  I'm excited to be moving on to the next step of this journey but at the same time I am worried that it won't work.  I need to stop thinking this way. Each cycle I always plan to do something fun in case the cycle fails.  For example, I planned a pau hana for this Friday because I knew that if my cycle fails well at least I'll be having drinks with some great friends.  Pau hana is a Hawaiian term meaning "finish work" and is used when referring to going out for drinks right after work. I love pau hana's.

I feel like set myself up for failure every cycle by planning these things.What am I doing?! I will NOT do this, this time. Nope. I will set myself up for success and if it fails then I will grieve, be upset, angry and feel what ever comes with a failed IVF cycle.

IVF here we come!