Obsessive Behavior

Thank you all the congratulations. Please know that as much as I wanted to share this with all of you it came with great heart ache knowing that reading this for some of you is not easy. I will always be praying for all of you no matter where you are in this journey.

As for my obsessive behavior, let's list them shall we?

• always checking my pantyliner
• constantly feeling my breasts
• googling every little thing to make sure that whatever I'm eating or putting on my face is safe for baby

The only symptoms I've been experiencing so far are breast tenderness soreness (they really hurt) and headaches. I've also been a little tired but I think that's normal. Sleeping always makes me happy.

We're are getting anxious about our 1st ultrasound. I'm trying to enjoy being pregnant and not think about what can happen. It's just hard not to. I don't think I'll ever not feel this way until I have this baby in my arms.

My Turn

I was ready. Ready to start my injectable cycle. On the evening of 10 DPO I tested using the many cheap OPK tests I purchased online. I figured since I had so much and we wouldn't be using them anymore that if for some reason it turned positive I would use my very last cheap HCG test. It was negative. There was a line but not as dark as the control line. I expected to be spotting soon. Maybe in the morning.  My luteal phase are between 9-11 days and I always have spotting before full flow.

In the morning, no spotting so I tested again with another OPK and it was positive. What? So I busted out my very last cheap HCG test, brushed my teeth and checked the test. There was a second line.  I honestly didn't know what to do. I called out to hubby, walked to the kitchen, grabbed his hand and led him to the bathroom. I showed him the tests and asked him how many lines did he see. He said, "4 but what does that mean?" I said I wasn't sure but I think we need to go to the store and pick up a "real" test. I picked up 2 boxes of First Response tests. One of course was digital. We didn't need to be more confused.

I was shaking so bad that I could barely open the package. Hubby had to help me read the instructions. We waited 3 minutes, hugged each other and said that we would be okay. In all caps, the test read, "YES+".   We were still in shock. Happy, shocked and surprised. I said we should test again using the regular First Response test. As I was opening it up, I told hubby that this test has never been positive for me. I've only purchased this once before in the beginning when we first started trying to conceive and realized quickly that we would be in debt if I continued buying this test. The second line showed up immediately. We were pregnant.

The top left corner is the cup I used to test.

I called my RE immediately and got a 9:45am appt. Took a urine test (good thing I drank more water before we left the house) and my doctor came in and said "You're pregnant!".  He called for a blood test that day and the following day.

Beta #1 = 57
Beta #2 = 407

We haven't told anyone yet. You guys are the first to know. We don't plan to tell anyone until we reach our 2nd trimester. I do plan to tell my mom because she knows what we've been going through. Hubby isn't planning on telling his parents until after our 1st ultrasound.

We are still in shock.  We also know that anything can happen and we're not out of the woods yet. We have been praying every morning since we found out and thanking God for blessing us with this pregnancy.  Thank you for all your support. I hope that you will stay with me as we continue on this journey. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank You and Meds

Thank you to my lovely bloggy friends who made me feel so much better.  I love you guys. You guys are the best.  I wish we all lived in the same area so we could just hang out and just talk story.


I wanted to give you an update on how I'm doing on DHEA. Today is day 12 on DHEA.  I haven't felt any side effects. AF should arrive by the end of this week and the start of my injectable cycle will begin.  I picked up my meds this past Saturday (see picture below). It was a bit overwhelming especially since my clinic don't provide bags to hold your meds.  This is fine when you're picking up just a bottle or two of meds but this time a recyclable Whole Foods bag would have been great.  Luckily hubby came with me. He held the 4 boxes Bravelle and syringes while I held the sharps container, Novarel, and more syringes.


I'm a little excited to start an injectable cycle and interested to see if DHEA will have an effect. 

Sorry if it's blurry. I took this early this morning.

One of Those Days

I was having one of those days yesterday.

Thinking about how this whole journey has changed me.

I can no longer sit in a restaurant without hearing every cry of a baby or child.

I am jealous of all my friends and co-worker’s posts on Facebook of their children enjoying a day at the beach.
This feeling of jealousy is killing me. I feel like I’m becoming a bitter person.

When I look at my calendar, I see questions.  I cannot think of the future without wondering if hubby and I will have a family.

I can no longer stand watching Disney commercials or any commercials involving babies or children.

The first thing I wonder when meeting someone is whether they have children.

Yesterday was not a good day.

Change of Plans

I spoke to soon.  I will not be going through with IVF this cycle.  We will be doing a natural cycle followed by an injectable cycle.  My RE is putting me on DHEA hoping that if these next two cycles is a bust that it will help with egg production when we go through IVF.  I've been on it since last week Friday and so far so good.  I feel like I have more energy but I'm still not sure if that's from the DHEA.  I've read the studies online regarding DHEA and it seems promising. I'll let you guys know if it helps with the amount of eggs I produce. According to my recent ultrasounds, I am most likely to produce 6 follicles. Which means that at the most 6 eggs. Not too good for someone my age according to my RE. 

Please let me know if you any of you have been on DHEA or heard of anyone who was on it. 

Moving On

I started spotting today so I know that CD 1 will be tomorrow.  I will be calling the clinic first thing tomorrow to make my appointment to move on to IVF.

My thoughts about this is all over the place.  I'm excited to be moving on to the next step of this journey but at the same time I am worried that it won't work.  I need to stop thinking this way. Each cycle I always plan to do something fun in case the cycle fails.  For example, I planned a pau hana for this Friday because I knew that if my cycle fails well at least I'll be having drinks with some great friends.  Pau hana is a Hawaiian term meaning "finish work" and is used when referring to going out for drinks right after work. I love pau hana's.

I feel like set myself up for failure every cycle by planning these things.What am I doing?! I will NOT do this, this time. Nope. I will set myself up for success and if it fails then I will grieve, be upset, angry and feel what ever comes with a failed IVF cycle.

IVF here we come!

Nothing

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't written in a while. There's just not much going on. I'm currently in my TWW from my last medicated IUI#3 with my RE. 

We'll be moving on to IVF, if this next cycle fails.

I'm just tired. Tired of being infertile. Tired of the unknown. That's basically it.