If there's one thing I've learned about infertility, it's the back and forth of good days and bad days.
In these 3 years, 4 couples in our group of friends have gotten pregnant and had healthy beautiful babies. There's just 3 couples, we are one of them, who are married and childless. We just found out that the 3 is now 2.
Here's the kicker. Their baby is due in late March. Although I know that our pregnancy wasn't viable, it still hurts that at one point in our pregnancy, March 2013 was the month everything would have changed for us.
We could have experienced being pregnant together and our babies being the same age. Blah blah blah. You guys know what I mean right?
As the conversation continued following their great news, the spotlight turned to us. And its the same old questions. "So when are you guys going to have a baby?" "Are you guys trying?" "Now it's your guys turn." I even got the, "Are you tracking your cycles?" She even started telling me about how not every one's cycle is the same so I should start tracking my cycles. Little did she know that I took that class. I'm currently in the grad course level - Infertility with a Pregnancy Loss 601.
Please know that I am not angry at her. This is just a part of me grieving and dealing with their pregnancy news. I am happy for them and am excited to meet their son. On the bright side, his birth will hopefully also be the end of these 6 months and the beginning of us trying again.
Oh and by the way, they would have stolen our thunder anyway if our pregnancy had been viable. And I sure hate to have someone stealing my thunder!
xoxo
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Get Low. Get Low.
It's looking good guys.
HCG:
HCG:
- 9/17: 7735.2
- 9/10: 15376.9
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Getting Me Back
I feel good. After everything, I've realized that this past pregnancy was not meant to be. There was nothing we could have done to save it. It was doomed from the beginning. I like to joke that hubby's little guys were so excited to find the egg that 2 of them made it in.
I am glad to have my body back. My HCG levels during the pregnancy were higher than normal and the reason why I was so sick. I still feel a little queasy but not as sick like during pregnancy. I was nauseous ALL day. It's nice to enjoy food again. It's also nice to be able to climb stairs and not feel like I just ran 3 miles. Oh and the best part is being able to start my Proactive treatment to get rid of the damn acne that has covered my whole forehead.
I am still hopeful and I am more than willing to go through these symptoms for a healthy pregnancy.
In the meantime, I am going to work on getting me back. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor next week Monday and am hoping that he'll ok me to go back to normal activities. I am planning to start running again and am also thinking of trying Insanity. I've been thinking about it while we were doing our IUI's and had planned to get it after having a baby. Since we're benched for 6 months this is a good time. Let me know if any of you have tried it before or if you think I'm insane for even trying it.
I had some hot sake last night at a Japanese BBQ restaurant. It was soooooo good! I didn't have a lot but just enough for the taste. If any of you are planning to visit Oahu, I highly recommend this place.
Lastly, I cannot thank you enough for your support and kind words. It saddens me that we have to meet because of infertility but at the same time I am so grateful that it is the reason that we have each other.
I am glad to have my body back. My HCG levels during the pregnancy were higher than normal and the reason why I was so sick. I still feel a little queasy but not as sick like during pregnancy. I was nauseous ALL day. It's nice to enjoy food again. It's also nice to be able to climb stairs and not feel like I just ran 3 miles. Oh and the best part is being able to start my Proactive treatment to get rid of the damn acne that has covered my whole forehead.
I am still hopeful and I am more than willing to go through these symptoms for a healthy pregnancy.
In the meantime, I am going to work on getting me back. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor next week Monday and am hoping that he'll ok me to go back to normal activities. I am planning to start running again and am also thinking of trying Insanity. I've been thinking about it while we were doing our IUI's and had planned to get it after having a baby. Since we're benched for 6 months this is a good time. Let me know if any of you have tried it before or if you think I'm insane for even trying it.
I had some hot sake last night at a Japanese BBQ restaurant. It was soooooo good! I didn't have a lot but just enough for the taste. If any of you are planning to visit Oahu, I highly recommend this place.
Lastly, I cannot thank you enough for your support and kind words. It saddens me that we have to meet because of infertility but at the same time I am so grateful that it is the reason that we have each other.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Partial Molar Pregnancy
As if a miscarriage wasn't enough. Pathology results showed that I had a Partial Molar Pregnancy.
I will have to take blood tests weekly to check that my HCG levels are going down. Once it reaches 0, then I test monthly for 6 months. Hoping that it stays at 0.
6 months and we can start trying again. 6 months should have been our c-section date.
After talking with my doctor and reading up on Partial Molar Pregnancy, I had the symptoms. My belly was bigger than normal. I thought it was just because of my pooch. At my first ultrasound, my RE mentioned that my uterus was larger than normal. I would wake up in the middle of the night and early morning with a rapid heart rate. I figured it was due to my nausea which was also another sign. I had severe nausea but no vomiting. Then again, the nausea is also one of the normal pregnancy symptoms however it felt like my pregnancy was progressing at higher than normal rate.
I am trying to just take things one day at a time and focusing on getting my HCG down to 0 and keep it at 0.
My baseline HCG result taken yesterday: 15,376.9
I will have to take blood tests weekly to check that my HCG levels are going down. Once it reaches 0, then I test monthly for 6 months. Hoping that it stays at 0.
6 months and we can start trying again. 6 months should have been our c-section date.
After talking with my doctor and reading up on Partial Molar Pregnancy, I had the symptoms. My belly was bigger than normal. I thought it was just because of my pooch. At my first ultrasound, my RE mentioned that my uterus was larger than normal. I would wake up in the middle of the night and early morning with a rapid heart rate. I figured it was due to my nausea which was also another sign. I had severe nausea but no vomiting. Then again, the nausea is also one of the normal pregnancy symptoms however it felt like my pregnancy was progressing at higher than normal rate.
I am trying to just take things one day at a time and focusing on getting my HCG down to 0 and keep it at 0.
My baseline HCG result taken yesterday: 15,376.9
Monday, September 10, 2012
D&C Experience
I am overwhelmed by all the support everyone has given me. Thank you for all your love. I honestly don't know how women go through this without this community. I am truly thankful.
My D&C is the most physically painful experience I've had to endure in my 35 years. Remember that myomectomy I had, that was a piece of cake compared to this. I should have asked to go under with general anesthesia. Instead I was awake, with 2 Vicodin in my system and my cervix injected with Lidocaine. Never again.
My doctor was a rock star. He talked me through the procedure and even counted backwards to let me know when he was done with each step. I don't remember how long it took. Hubby said it was about 15 minutes. I was just glad for it to be over.
Sometime last week, I dug my head out of the sand needing to hear some good news. Instead, my heart just ached even more as I read of Sometimes results. This was not fair. What's the statistic for miscarriage? 1 in 4. 1 in 5. That one was me. She was supposed to be on the other side of that. I was immediately filled with anger.
Labor day weekend has been the worst weekend by far. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at Labor day in another light.
Still waiting for pathology results. No karyotyping and I'm ok with that.
I am back at work today. It's good. It's like I'm ripping of the band aid. I'm getting back to my normal routine. Normal routine = Life with Infertility.
My D&C is the most physically painful experience I've had to endure in my 35 years. Remember that myomectomy I had, that was a piece of cake compared to this. I should have asked to go under with general anesthesia. Instead I was awake, with 2 Vicodin in my system and my cervix injected with Lidocaine. Never again.
My doctor was a rock star. He talked me through the procedure and even counted backwards to let me know when he was done with each step. I don't remember how long it took. Hubby said it was about 15 minutes. I was just glad for it to be over.
Sometime last week, I dug my head out of the sand needing to hear some good news. Instead, my heart just ached even more as I read of Sometimes results. This was not fair. What's the statistic for miscarriage? 1 in 4. 1 in 5. That one was me. She was supposed to be on the other side of that. I was immediately filled with anger.
Labor day weekend has been the worst weekend by far. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at Labor day in another light.
Still waiting for pathology results. No karyotyping and I'm ok with that.
I am back at work today. It's good. It's like I'm ripping of the band aid. I'm getting back to my normal routine. Normal routine = Life with Infertility.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
No heartbeat. Back in line.
We had our second ultrasound yesterday and there was no heartbeat. The baby measured 8 Weeks 5 Days. We are supposed to be 9 Weeks 2 Days.
We are beyond devastated. I'm not even sure how I will get through writing this but I have to. I need to get this all out.
I knew it was over as soon as I saw our baby. There was no flickering. The image was still. I was in shock and I think I was telling my doctor, "Don't say that."
I went into this appointment confident that we were going to see a heartbeat. I had no spotting, my boobs are still sore and the nausea was still in full force. My body gave me no indication that the baby had died.
I didn't cry at the RE's office. I couldn't until I walked out the door.
Because I had Kaiser, I was sent back to my OB to decide on our next steps. My RE had explained I had three options: Pass the baby naturally, take Misoprostol or have a D&C.
After we left the clinic, I called my OB and saw him in the afternoon. He gave me the same options. At first we decided to do the Misoprostol but as we were driving home, I got scared. I was afraid that my body wouldn't be able to pass a 8 Week 5 Day old embryo and I would have to rush to the emergency room for a emergency D&C. So I called my OB and scheduled a D&C on Tuesday.
My body gave me no reprieve the rest of the day. The nausea was a constant reminder that I had a dead baby inside of me.
This morning at 6:56 am HST, I woke up without the nausea. I don't know if it's because the level of hormones is starting to taper off or if it's because I told my body to stop this bullshit.
I am trying to see the bright side of things. We were able to get pregnant. I can have sushi and wine again. I will be able to start running again. And the nausea will be gone.
After the D&C, we will start treatment again in three months, per our RE.
I apologize if this is all over the place but that is where I am.... all over the place.
So here I go, back in line. Waiting for my turn.
We are beyond devastated. I'm not even sure how I will get through writing this but I have to. I need to get this all out.
I knew it was over as soon as I saw our baby. There was no flickering. The image was still. I was in shock and I think I was telling my doctor, "Don't say that."
I went into this appointment confident that we were going to see a heartbeat. I had no spotting, my boobs are still sore and the nausea was still in full force. My body gave me no indication that the baby had died.
I didn't cry at the RE's office. I couldn't until I walked out the door.
Because I had Kaiser, I was sent back to my OB to decide on our next steps. My RE had explained I had three options: Pass the baby naturally, take Misoprostol or have a D&C.
After we left the clinic, I called my OB and saw him in the afternoon. He gave me the same options. At first we decided to do the Misoprostol but as we were driving home, I got scared. I was afraid that my body wouldn't be able to pass a 8 Week 5 Day old embryo and I would have to rush to the emergency room for a emergency D&C. So I called my OB and scheduled a D&C on Tuesday.
My body gave me no reprieve the rest of the day. The nausea was a constant reminder that I had a dead baby inside of me.
This morning at 6:56 am HST, I woke up without the nausea. I don't know if it's because the level of hormones is starting to taper off or if it's because I told my body to stop this bullshit.
I am trying to see the bright side of things. We were able to get pregnant. I can have sushi and wine again. I will be able to start running again. And the nausea will be gone.
After the D&C, we will start treatment again in three months, per our RE.
I apologize if this is all over the place but that is where I am.... all over the place.
So here I go, back in line. Waiting for my turn.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
1st Ultrasound
One beautiful heartbeat at 118BPM. Measuring at 7 weeks 0 days which is ahead of what they say I am, 6 weeks 5 days. I can't put in to words how we felt when we heard our baby's heartbeat. Truly a blessing.
As far as symptoms go, I am sick all day. From the very moment I wake till I go to sleep, I'm constantly nauseous. I haven't vomited yet. My boobs are still sore and I'm tired all the time. My forehead is full of acne. As horrible as I feel, I am thankful and wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.
Next ultrasound in 2 weeks.
As far as symptoms go, I am sick all day. From the very moment I wake till I go to sleep, I'm constantly nauseous. I haven't vomited yet. My boobs are still sore and I'm tired all the time. My forehead is full of acne. As horrible as I feel, I am thankful and wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.
Next ultrasound in 2 weeks.
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